‘A Game of Chicken’
Season 11, Episode 6 - Aired November 6, 2019
Gloria is using her alone time with the twins as an opportunity to secretly baptize them before Haley and Dylan get home. Meanwhile, Claire is still dealing with the fallout from the smart closet fiasco, and Cam is at war with his school’s mascot who is threatening his chance at securing a new college coaching job.
Quote from Luke
Luke: Dad, I want you to know I love your pancake shooter.
Phil: Have you seen the updates... to... the Insta-Cold straw?
Luke: You should be on a stamp.
Claire: Has that ever not electrocuted someone?
Phil: Sometimes you have to shock a few people before you shock the world.
Luke: That should go on your stamp.
Claire: Okay, stop flattering your dad. You're not dropping out of school.
Quote from Phil
Claire: He's not dropping out of school.
Phil: You have got to listen with an open mind. After all, what kind of world would we live in if all parents forced their kids to stay in school and not pursue their dreams? No Steve Jobs, no Mark Zuckerberg, no Cindy Crawford.
Claire: Steve Jobs put a computer in everyone's pocket. Luke almost died taking off a hoodie on an escalator.
Phil: My point is, dreams need to be fostered. And if I'm being honest, I kind of love the idea of being a mentor to these two young minds. [electricity crackles, groans] Wooden spoon! Knock it away with a wooden spoon! Thank you. [falls to the ground]
Quote from Jay
Jay: There's my great-grandchildren. Do they recognize faces? Do I need to start slipping them cash to let them know who's in charge?
Haley: [laughs] Grandpa, you don't need to buy their love. Buy mine, and I'll talk you up.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Okay, mis niños, Gloria has planned a very exciting afternoon for you. Let's see. Who is ready to reject Satan and all his empty promises?
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Today, I'm having the babies secretly baptized, both into Catholicism and into the crazy things we do to each other in this family.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Wait. Um, you're... you're Scooter? I-I was expecting someone younger, maybe wearing Heelys and a backpack.
Quote from Claire
Margaret: Psst, Claire? Um, I have Nick on the phone from Fiji.
Phil: We're in the middle of something, Margaret.
Margaret: He says it's an emergency.
Claire: Ugh.
Margaret: He's on my phone. It's in the solarium.
Claire: It's a bay window, Margaret.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: [aside to camera] "How gorgeous does Mitchell look in this picture?" Aww. "Proud to be married to a man who fights for justice." Aww. "Mitchell over his cold. Hope my hubby brings the love tonight." Ew, my dad liked that. Euch.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Jay, you're back!
Jay: Why do you sound surprised? You cut my brakes or something? [Gloria laughs] What the hell's a priest doing here?
Gloria: Oh, it's just a check-up. One of the babies maybe is... possessed.
Jay: Wait, are you baptizing them behind Haley and what's-his-name's back? You can't do that to other people's kids!
Gloria: It's not a big deal. If it works, the babies are protected, their souls are safe, and they're gonna spend eternity in Heaven. If it doesn't, it's just like I gave them a little bath.
Quote from Jay
Father Ramizez: [Spanish: "Gloria, who is this grumpy old man?"]
Jay: "Viejo." I know that word. Hmm? Did Father Time here just call me old?
Quote from Jay
Haley: Why didn't you just ask us?
Gloria: I did. I did ask you. You said yes. I think you were very drunk.
Jay: Haley, New-Phil, do you really want this baptism?