‘Watching the Baby’
Season 5, Episode 2 - Aired November 9, 2003
When Lois finally falls asleep after four days of taking care of the baby, the boys are left to look after Jamie. Hal is accused of shoplifting when he goes to the store for diapers and forgets his wallet. Three girls turn up and ask Malcolm, Reese and Stevie to pretend to be their dates to get back at their boyfriends. Meanwhile, Dewey tells Jamie an epic story.
Quote from Dewey
Dewey: And that's when they realized, Mom and Dad had created a secret good house which they went to every night when the kids were asleep, which is why they're so obsessed with our bedtimes, and we never have anything nice, and why they always come out of the bedroom smiling!
Quote from Dewey
[fantasy:]
Hal: [haughty accent] This 90-inch screen is much better than the 75-inch we have in the bathroom.
Lois: [haughty accent] Oh, absolutely. By the way, Dewey asked for ice cream again today. I told him we couldn't afford it. [both laugh]
Hal: Oh, I wonder what he'd do if he saw our ice cream helicopter.
Lois: These could use some freshening up. Did you charge the Brother Bot?
Hal: I believe it's good to go. Drinks, Francis.
Francis: [robotic] You are the worst parents in the world. You undermine my confidence at every turn. You are the worst parents in the world.
Dewey: [v.o.] And yet, as unbelievable as all of this was, it still didn't prepare them for the biggest surprise of all, the most incredible thing they'd ever seen. A pair of pants, his size, that had never been worn or handed down from an older brother. With no holes, no stains, no funny smell, no dead stuff in the pockets. He had to wear those pants.
Quote from Craig
Craig: It's not so much a paste as a crust. I have to have it scraped off...
Quote from Reese
Joanne: Hey, Aaron! You think you're so special? Well, watch this! I'll kiss anything!
Malcolm: You don't have to do this, Reese.
Reese: Hey, she's the one who's disgusted by this, not me. [limbers up] Oh, my God! Jamie's nunu!
Malcolm: What?
Reese: Jamie's nunu! He can't sleep without his nunu! We've got to get this home! [Malcolm and Reese get back in the limo] I'll do anything you want. Just take us home now.
Limo Driver: You know, kid, for a dumb-ass, you got heart.
Stevie: Are they... meeting us... later?
Quote from Dewey
Lois: Oh, my God. Is that a newspaper diaper? What have you been doing?! You've got this baby so agitated, he's going to be up all night.
Malcolm: You could take Jamie for a drive. That always puts him to sleep.
Lois: At this hour?
[cut to the whole family with Stevie in the limousine:]
Hal: I could get used to this.
Lois: I've never been in a limousine this big before.
Dewey: Yeah, right.