Stevie: What a fun... Saturday night.
Malcolm: Nobody's enjoying this, Stevie. You don't have to be sarcastic.
Stevie: I wasn't.

Sanjay: Psst. What are you in for?
Hal: Diapers.
Stevie: Hmm. Another victim caught up in the evil net of Craig Feldspar!
Theresa: He's a monster. He treats us all on the night shift like dirt!
Sanjay: The absolute power of Assistant Night Manager has corrupted him. We're nothing better than slaves.
Hal: But you're the employees. You're the people who actually run this store.
Theresa: He doesn't care. Do you know what he insists on using in the coffee machine? Store brand. It is so bitter, it's like drinking death.
Dolores: He won't change the incline of the wheelchair ramp out front. I stall out every damn day until somebody gives me a push.
Stevie: He has an iron grip on the store radio. He forces us to listen only to show tunes. Even though we voted unanimously for Adult Contemporary. What does he have against Phil Collins?!
Hal: That bastard! You can't let him do this to you. I mean, without you, he's nothing! He must be stopped!

Dolores: I don't know, maybe Craig's not so bad. He did give me the Employee of the Month Award after I cleaned his aquarium.
Hal: Employee of the Month Awards are the opiate of the masses. You people can't let fear run your lives. Are you going to act or suffer under Craig forever?
Craig: [over P.A.] Attention, all Lucky Aide employees. I need someone to microwave a three-cheese Hot Pocket ASAP.
Dolores: The madness ends now.

Craig: Welcome to our country, Mrs. Namhong. I hope you're enjoying your stay here. You know, I'm thinking about retiring to Cambodia. I hear you can get a hut on the beach with a wife and servants for a hundred dollars a month. The only problem is I need these special orthotics, which are very difficult to find in the tropics. My condition's called pronation, which isn't so bad by itself but when combined with hammertoes...

Hal: Congratulations, guys. Now, when he signs that confession, give him his clothes back.

Polly: Seriously, if you want me to stay a few more hours and babysit, I-I don't mind. Lois looks exhausted.
Hal: No, no, no. We're fine. We'll see you Monday.
Polly: Wait. Isn't today Monday?
Malcolm: It's Friday.
Polly: Oh, my God, I'm supposed to be in court today. I'm filing a restraining order against my sister. She thinks that just because she's been my boyfriend's first and third wife, that she has some kind of a claim on him.
Stevie: Isn't that... the cat lady?
Malcolm: I guess. For a while she was the naked jogger. But mostly, she's just four bucks an hour.

Reese: Oh, my God. I bet it has a toilet. Dibs!
Malcolm: No way, Reese. We're supposed to be taking care of our little brother. We can't just go riding around in the coolest car we've ever seen with three incredibly hot girls.
[cut to Dewey running into the house:]
Dewey: Guys! Guys! I put the lid on tight, but I think it's eating through the... can.

Malcolm: Wait a minute. There was a Fall Formal? Why wouldn't we know about that? Oh.
Joanne: So, now we're going to go to this party and make out with you guys in front of those inconsiderate jerks.
Malcolm: You want to make them jealous?
Joanne: No. We want to make them puke. See, once they see us kissing losers like you guys, they're never going to live it down.
Malcolm: You came over to our house and asked us out because we were the most disgusting guys you could find?
Limo Driver: Actually, some kid with a hunchback and gills turned them down. Said he had too much pride.
Malcolm: Forget it. We're not going to be paraded around like monkeys on a chain.
Kathy: You know, we've already been disappointed once tonight. Can you stop thinking about yourself for one second?!
Malcolm: I don't believe this.
Stevie: I think... the middle one... likes you.

Malcolm: What parties? Who are these people? Do we even go to the same school?
Stevie: Stop rocking... my boat.

[fantasy:]
Dewey: Don't worry, Jamie. Not all trapdoors lead to dungeons.