Trending Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
Quote from Malcolm in Halloween
Hal: Shouldn't you be in bed?
Malcolm: I got sick of lying there, so I thought I'd look on the Internet for stuff about the murders. I got police reports, crime photos, newspaper articles... There's a ton of stuff.
Hal: Really?
Malcolm: The guy's name was Gareth Stringer. Normal guy, Scout master, everybody loved him. So, one day, out of nowhere, he comes home from work and murders his entire family. They say he lived here with five headless bodies for a week before he finally killed himself.
Hal: For a whole week, huh?
Malcolm: That's where the wife's body was found. [Hal whimpers and moves] He put all the tongues in a pile right there. [Hal moves every time Malcolm points to another location] So I guess that must have been skin wall. And that was hair corner. Over there were... finger puppets?! Oh, finger puppets. Wow, the really freaky stuff happened in the kitchen. Oh, and in the bathroom and the bedrooms, too.
Hal: Malcolm, is there any place in this house where bloody pieces of dismembered bodies weren't found?
Malcolm: Well... Yes. Right there.
Hal: Right here?
Malcolm: That's where they all begged for mercy. [Hal whimpers]
Quote from Hal in Rollerskates
Hal: Malcolm, where have you been? You got to get in on this.
Malcolm: Dad... I want skating lessons.
Hal: Son, do you know, once you start there's no going back?
Malcolm: I know.
Hal: This means total commitment. Once you begin the path, there is no leaving the path. Are you sure you're ready for that? I mean really ready?
Malcolm: I-I guess so.
Hal: Neat. We'll start tomorrow. Come on, dig in before they harden.
Quote from Dewey in Hal's Dentist
Malcolm: Hey, what's all the noise? You know the rule. The only sound allowed in this room is snoring.
Dewey: I've been waiting ten years to see Conrad Horner perform, and I overslept and completely missed it.
Malcolm: So? He'll come back in a few years.
Dewey: He's 98. I got there in time to get a program off the floor and see his ambulance drive away.
Quote from Craig in Cattle Court
Craig: This is it, the open road. A great new chapter's about to be written, a new legend about to be born. Will I travel from town to town solving crimes like Knightrider, or administer frontier justice like the guy from Kung Fu? I guess we'll just have to see. Okay, America, get ready to meet Craig Feldspar.
Lois: Craig, wait!
[Craig screams as a herd of cows stampede towards him]
Lois: Oh, my God!
Malcolm: Craig, are you all right?! Craig, Craig!
Craig: Kit, is that you? [coughs]
Malcolm: Dad, you don't believe in ghosts, do you?
Hal: Malcolm, please.
Malcolm: Do you?
Hal: Do you mean do I believe in dead people floating around, saying, "Ooooh!" Of course not. [chuckles] But, I mean, an energy, a life force, a soul that, upon death, separates from the body and inhabits another plane, crying out to the living in a horrific wail of unbearable pain? Oh, absolutely.
Malcolm: Dad.
Hal: You, yourself, told me that string theory says there are 11 different dimensions occupying the same space.
Malcolm: So?
Hal: So, who's to say we can't be affected by things we don't see? What science calls wormholes is actually matter and energy, mixed together... [Jamie returns home alone] All of which points to one stubborn, undeniable fact that we are living in a known portal for evil. And now that we know it, and it knows we know it, of course it would come back to kill us! And of course it would come back tonight! You don't have much to say when your science comes back at you, do you? [clattering] Honey? Reese? Dewey? Burglar? [Jamie crawls into the vent] Was that or was that not the sound of someone looking for his head?!
Quote from Otto in Block Party
Otto: Ah. Is everything good to go?
Francis: I think so.
Otto: How do you plan to work her?
Francis: What do you mean, "work her"?
Otto: Well, you know, you will sit there, waiting for Bruno to become fersploten and enter the artificial hoonincootz. And then maybe you rock the hips a little bit. Maybe you tease him with the tail. Gosh. I hope this is sturdy enough to take his weight. You know, he weighs 4,000 pounds. And when his passion is aroused, he may come down with crushing force!
Francis: I want a raise.
Otto: Yeah. All right.
Quote from Ida in The Grandparents
Boy #1: Hey, look at the mama's boy.
Ida: You going to take that?
Malcolm: What?
Ida: Hey, you boys! Come back here and say that.
Malcolm: Grandma, what are you doing?
Boy #1: Who's this? Your 90-year-old bodyguard?
Malcolm: No, no, it's okay. She's kidding. [bullies walk away]
Ida: Nushkaya zibhat shinka! [picks up rock and throws it at the bully]
Boy #1: Ow!
Malcolm: Grandma. Oh, geez.