Trending ‘Malcolm in the Middle’ Quotes

Quote from Hal in Rollerskates

Hal: Malcolm, where have you been? You got to get in on this.
Malcolm: Dad... I want skating lessons.
Hal: Son, do you know, once you start there's no going back?
Malcolm: I know.
Hal: This means total commitment. Once you begin the path, there is no leaving the path. Are you sure you're ready for that? I mean really ready?
Malcolm: I-I guess so.
Hal: Neat. We'll start tomorrow. Come on, dig in before they harden.

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Quote from Malcolm in Halloween

Hal: Shouldn't you be in bed?
Malcolm: I got sick of lying there, so I thought I'd look on the Internet for stuff about the murders. I got police reports, crime photos, newspaper articles... There's a ton of stuff.
Hal: Really?
Malcolm: The guy's name was Gareth Stringer. Normal guy, Scout master, everybody loved him. So, one day, out of nowhere, he comes home from work and murders his entire family. They say he lived here with five headless bodies for a week before he finally killed himself.
Hal: For a whole week, huh?
Malcolm: That's where the wife's body was found. [Hal whimpers and moves] He put all the tongues in a pile right there. [Hal moves every time Malcolm points to another location] So I guess that must have been skin wall. And that was hair corner. Over there were... finger puppets?! Oh, finger puppets. Wow, the really freaky stuff happened in the kitchen. Oh, and in the bathroom and the bedrooms, too.
Hal: Malcolm, is there any place in this house where bloody pieces of dismembered bodies weren't found?
Malcolm: Well... Yes. Right there.
Hal: Right here?
Malcolm: That's where they all begged for mercy. [Hal whimpers]

Quote from Ida in Christmas

[As Francis leaves Ida's house while she sleeps, she wakes up to the sound of the Christmas card playing "Jingle Bells". Ida walks down stairs and starts searching for the card.]
Ida: I'll cut off his hands and stick them in his kakushnik!
[After finding the card in the chimney and ripping it up, Ida sighs only to hear the song still playing somewhere else.]
Ida: You're a klebleck!

Quote from Lois in Cynthia's Back

Lois: Hal, it wouldn't be such a big deal if you would just admit it.
Hal: Come on, Lois, what possible reason would I have to kiss Karen?
Lois: You're a man!
Hal: What is that supposed to mean?
Lois: You have been with the same woman for 20 years. It's only natural to be a little... curious.
Hal: About what?
Lois: You mean to tell me after all these years of marriage, you've never so much as thought about another woman?
Hal: What are you talking about?
Lois: If you are just gonna be ridiculous, there's no point in carrying on this conversation. But you are on notice!

Quote from Hal in Zoo

Lois: This is going to be so much fun. I'm so glad I ran into Matt.
Hal: Yeah, that was quite a lucky break. Good old, good old Matt.
Lois: It has been 20 years since I was dating the both of you. I can't believe you're still jealous.
Hal: I am not jealous. I'm not even the jealous type.
[flashback to Hal escorting a workman out of the house:]
Man: I was just trying to read the meter!
Hal: Not in those shorts, Tarzan!
[flashback to Hal and Lois emerging from the movie theater:}
Hal: Well, why don't you just marry Tom Cruise?!
[flashback to Lois nursing a baby:]
Hal: Okay, that's enough. Break it up.

Quote from Francis in Book Club

Francis: [sings out the window] Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parlez-vous Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parlez-vous She got the palm and the croix de guerre For washing soldiers' underwear Inky dinky, parlez-vous
Roy: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Francis: What?
Roy: It's hinky dinky parlez-vous.
Francis: That's what I said, Roy.
Roy: No, you said inky dinky. You've got to start over.
Francis: I'm not starting over. It's freezing out there. I can barely feel my lips any more. [Roy starts to pull the truck over] [sings] Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parlez-vous Parlez...

Quote from Lois in Malcolm Babysits

Lois: Malcolm, no. If you want this thing so badly pay for it with your own money. You're going to start to baby-sit next week. Just save up.
Malcolm: I don't even know what they're going to pay me.
Lois: I'll tell you what they're going to pay you. They're going to pay you what all jobs pay - less than you're worth and just enough to keep you crawling back for more. Now go on, it's bedtime.

Quote from Reese in Reese Joins the Army: Part 1

Sgt. Hendrix: Good morning, maggots! Now, I want you to understand why I call you maggots. The maggot is the slimy, quivering larval form of the common housefly, and we all know what maggots eat. [Hendrix passes Reese, who is the only private not in his fatigues and is busy playing a game] And I will be the guy providing... Good God. I bet there's a great story for this, isn't there, son?
Reese: Hang on.
Sgt. Hendrix: Of course.
Reese: Okay.
Sgt. Hendrix: Would you like to tell me what happened to your gear, Private?
Reese: Oh, I traded it. I got this and five cartridges.
Sgt. Hendrix: So, you just blithely gave away your government-issued rucksack and poncho?
Reese: Well, the pack, I figure, I can eventually get off a dead guy, and the poncho? Come on. Does it look like rain to you?
[cut to Reese doing push-ups in the mud as Hendrix holds a garden hose over him:]
Reese: [sings] My drill sergeant helps me learn I am just a lowly worm He commands the sun and rain I am just a human stain My drill...

Quote from Dewey in Hal's Dentist

Malcolm: Hey, what's all the noise? You know the rule. The only sound allowed in this room is snoring.
Dewey: I've been waiting ten years to see Conrad Horner perform, and I overslept and completely missed it.
Malcolm: So? He'll come back in a few years.
Dewey: He's 98. I got there in time to get a program off the floor and see his ambulance drive away.