Trending Malcolm in the Middle Quotes

Quote from Dewey in Hal's Dentist

Malcolm: Hey, what's all the noise? You know the rule. The only sound allowed in this room is snoring.
Dewey: I've been waiting ten years to see Conrad Horner perform, and I overslept and completely missed it.
Malcolm: So? He'll come back in a few years.
Dewey: He's 98. I got there in time to get a program off the floor and see his ambulance drive away.


Quote from Malcolm in Halloween

Hal: Shouldn't you be in bed?
Malcolm: I got sick of lying there, so I thought I'd look on the Internet for stuff about the murders. I got police reports, crime photos, newspaper articles... There's a ton of stuff.
Hal: Really?
Malcolm: The guy's name was Gareth Stringer. Normal guy, Scout master, everybody loved him. So, one day, out of nowhere, he comes home from work and murders his entire family. They say he lived here with five headless bodies for a week before he finally killed himself.
Hal: For a whole week, huh?
Malcolm: That's where the wife's body was found. [Hal whimpers and moves] He put all the tongues in a pile right there. [Hal moves every time Malcolm points to another location] So I guess that must have been skin wall. And that was hair corner. Over there were... finger puppets?! Oh, finger puppets. Wow, the really freaky stuff happened in the kitchen. Oh, and in the bathroom and the bedrooms, too.
Hal: Malcolm, is there any place in this house where bloody pieces of dismembered bodies weren't found?
Malcolm: Well... Yes. Right there.
Hal: Right here?
Malcolm: That's where they all begged for mercy. [Hal whimpers]

Quote from Hal in Evacuation

Reese: Ow, ow, ow...
Capt. James: Is this your son?
Hal: Reese?
Capt. James: He was running a black market. He had two diabetics bidding against each other for insulin.
Reese: That is a lie.
[Captain James opens Reese's jacket to reveal a stash of stolen goods]
Hal: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, now, now, wait just a second. I know how this must look. But if you just give me the chance to get to the bottom of this, I swear to you, I will make this right. Come over here. You boys have both behaved very badly. So, you are both going to apologize to these nice, generous people like you have never apologized before. Do you hear me? [Reese and Dewey nod] Okay. Dewey, come on. Go ahead. Nice and loud.
Dewey: We're sorry we left the couch on the tracks and wrecked the train. [crowd groans]
Hal: Reese, run, run.

Quote from Hal in Rollerskates

Hal: Malcolm, where have you been? You got to get in on this.
Malcolm: Dad... I want skating lessons.
Hal: Son, do you know, once you start there's no going back?
Malcolm: I know.
Hal: This means total commitment. Once you begin the path, there is no leaving the path. Are you sure you're ready for that? I mean really ready?
Malcolm: I-I guess so.
Hal: Neat. We'll start tomorrow. Come on, dig in before they harden.

Quote from Ida in Christmas

[As Francis leaves Ida's house while she sleeps, she wakes up to the sound of the Christmas card playing "Jingle Bells". Ida walks down stairs and starts searching for the card.]
Ida: I'll cut off his hands and stick them in his kakushnik!
[After finding the card in the chimney and ripping it up, Ida sighs only to hear the song still playing somewhere else.]
Ida: You're a klebleck!