Sheriff: Come on out of there, ma'am.
Lois: You order them to move this thing!
Sheriff: Let's just get you out of the crane and then we'll have a little talk.
Lois: Don't you dare patronize me.
Sheriff: OK, you don't want to be patronized? I'll be blunt. You're a control freak. I see them all the time. But guess what? This is a traffic jam. It is out of your control.
Lois: Yeah, but I...
Sheriff: You can't boss it around. You can't yell at it and expect it to listen.
Lois: I have been...
Sheriff: It will end when it ends. You just have to live with it. There's absolutely nothing you can do about it.
[Lois gets out of the crane and walks out of the crash site, as the police and clean-up workers snicker. As she returns to the traffic jam, she sees a dog in an S.U.V.]
Lois: Who's damn dog is this? I said who's damn dog is this? It's trapped inside. All the windows are rolled up. It's- It's like 90 degrees out here! OK. OK! It is nobody's damn dog? Then I guess nobody's going to to mind if I just do this. [smashes window] Oh. Don't be scared, little doggy. Oh no, everything's gonna be... [dog growls] [screams]

Malcolm: I'm impressed. You actually have a working first-aid kit. We used to, but my brother ate all the Band-Aids.

Biker: Bye, kid. [rides off]
Dewey: Bye, Santa. [the family pull up] Hi, Mom.
Lois: Dewey, where's the baby-sitter?
Dewey: She went away.
Lois: [sighs] You got rid of another baby-sitter? What is wrong with you kids?
Dewey: Then I drove off with a potato chip man. Then I picked apples. Then we all went to jail. Then I played the...

Malcolm: [to camera] OK. Here's the thing about my family. We don't go to a lot of outing together. But when we do, There's a little tradition we always end up observing.
Hal: [to security guard] When you say "lifetime ban", I mean, whose lifetime are you talking about?
Reese: Mom, I haven't even touch the ground.
Lois: Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again! I should have just given birth to chimps. Then at least I'd know to expect this kind of behavior.
Reese: Ouch!
Malcolm: [to camera] Believe it or not, I actually envy Dewey. He got to stay home and play with the babysitter.

Malcolm: [to camera] It's 95 degrees outside, but it's 110 in here. We have to run the heater, so the radiator doesn't boil over.
Lois: Hal, stop swerving.
Hal: That darn silver Toyota's been taligating for the last 3 miles.
Lois: Just pull over let them pass.
Hal: Oh, flashing the bright, just gotta be like that, huh? [floors it]
Lois: Good lord, Hal, He could have a gun! Just let him pass.
Hal: All right, silver Toyota, you win this round. [waves him ahead] Go ahead! Get there two seconds sooner! God, that guy is just an accident waiting to happen. [horn honks] [tires screech]

Reese: That was so cool. Did you see that truck jack knife and flip over and that wheel fly through the air? An explosion would've been nice, but you can't have everything.
Malcolm: Yeah, Reese, this is great. Now we're stuck here for hours. With no food and no air-conditioning. [to camera] I guess it could be worse. I could be the guy in the silver Toyota.

Francis: Look, my freshman year I ate seven pounds of grapes in one sitting. I think I know what my body is capable of.
Eric: We're not talking about grapes, Francis. We are talking about pure sucrose. The human body simply cannot absorb the sugar in 100 quacks. [half the crowd cheers]
Joe: Hey, in extreme cases the human pancreas has been known to increase its insulin production by up to 60%. [other half cheers]
Eric: Listen, your pancreas can produce enough insulin to fill a swimming pool, that doesn't mean squat if your adrenal gland can't distribute it into your bloodstream fast enough!
Francis: Gentlemen, gentlemen! This argument is pointless. [eats a quack] One.

Malcolm: This totally sucks! It's like an oven out here. What is the point of wandering aimlessly through traffic?
Reese: Because you can find cool stuff like this. [picks up a dirty sock] Smells like gasoline.

Man: [on phone] Ma'am?
Lois: Yes. Did you ask your supervisor?
Man: Yes, and this phone is for emergency roadside assistance only, ma'am. I can't connect you to a private line.
Lois: Look, I have got to get through to my babysit...
Man: Look, just let me talk to the supervisor. One moment, ma'am. [deep voice] Hello. This is the supervisor.
Lois: No, it isn't. You're just disguising your voice.
Man: No, I'm not. I'm really the supervisor.
Lois: You can't do this!
Man: Ma'am, I'm about to be replaced by a machine. I can do whatever I damn well please.

Jessica: Malcolm, you have got to check out this view.
Malcolm: Ow! I hate pricker bushes. What fruit are they trying to protect anyway? Do you see anything on here worth protecting? What are we doing up here?
Jessica: Just enjoying the sights.
[Reese is jumping up and down on the roof of the ice cream van]
Jessica: And check out that crazy lady.
[Lois is screaming and hitting the emergency phone box]
Jessica: So tell me about this gifted class.
Malcolm: It's horrible. I'm surrounded by Krelboynes. I have to do twice as much homework as anyone else in my grade. I have to take all these college prep class...
Jessica: Oh, what a nightmare. If you're not careful you might get a full scholarship to Harvard.
Malcolm: You don't understand.
Jessica: Malcolm, you've been bellyaching nonstop for an hour and a half. Seriously, all you do is bitch.
Malcolm: I happen to bitch the perfect amount for someone in my situation. Today is the perfect example. Look at this mess. What's good about this?
Jessica: Well, if it weren't for this, we never would have met.
[Jessica places her hand on Malcolm's shoulder. Malcolm looks at her hand and then back to her face. Jessica then pushes him back, sending him falling down the hill]
Malcolm: How could I not see that coming? This girl's incredible.