‘Stilts’
Season 6, Episode 20 - Aired May 1, 2005
Lois gets Malcolm a more prominent job at the Lucky Aide. Hal accidentally runs up a huge bill on a premium phone number. Meanwhile, Reese joins a clinical trial to earn some money, and Dewey thinks Jamie has found a stash of Lois's jewelry that Francis hid years before.
Quote from Hal
Woman: [on the phone] Billing. Can I help you?
Hal: Yes! I've just spent the last half hour trying to explain to you people! You cannot charge me $800 for a phone call I never agreed to! This is wrong and unethical!
Woman: You're absolutely right, sir. We're bad.
Hal: What?
Woman: We've been very bad. We need to be punished. What would you like to do to us?
Hal: I don't want to do anything to you!
Woman: Whatever you want, big boy. You're the one paying for this call.
[Hal gasps and hangs up the phone]
Quote from Dewey
Dewey: Jamie, where did you go? You were supposed to let me follow you! I just turned my back for a second.
[Jamie is holding a piece of jewelry] How did you do that?! Jamie, come on! Do you have any idea how much this means to me? Okay, what do you want? [Jamie hands Dewey a catalog clipping of a Stick Pony] Okay, I'll get you the pony. But, first, you have to show me the stash. Fine. Pony first.
Quote from Dewey
Dewey: Okay, Jamie, I need you to focus. You got your toy. Now take me to the stash. [Dewey follows Jamie outside] Here? Do we have to dig for it? [Jamie crawls through the fence and through a neighbor's window] Jamie, come back! You can't just go into someone else's house! [Jamie crawls out with a wad of money] Get back here! Come on, Jamie! Hurry! Before someone sees you! I'm not kidding. You're going to get caught!
Neighbor: See? That's the ringleader! They've been stealing stuff from my house all week! Every two years, they have another baby just so they can fit through the window!
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: [to camera] This hurts so much worse than it looks.
Sam: You're a Yankee Doodle dead man.
Malcolm: [to camera] The weird thing is, I always knew I'll died this way. [prays] Okay, God, you've had your fun. Please, I'll settle for the lamest, most pathetic miracle you've got lying around. Just...
[The police horse Reese is stuck on runs through the parking lot and knocks Sam over. One of Sam's stilts gets caught in the saddle, dragging him along with the horse.]
Quote from Hal
Hal: Reese's roommate in detox is a lawyer. He thinks he can blackmail him into defending his felony case!
Lois: That's great.
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: [to camera] Hey, the feeling is back. Apparently, the medical term for what happened to me is "Holy crap, come look at this", because that's all the ER guys kept saying. But if I ever have to give birth, it'll be really easy.