Reese: This is so sweet. I'm gonna make 2,500 bucks, and all I gotta do is swallow 300 pills a day and sneak Jamie's urine into a cup once in a while. Calonil, Frageset. Suppository. These taste the worst.

Dewey: Okay, Jamie, can you help your favorite brother find the stash? Remember this, the necklace? You know what I'm talking about, don't you? Do you know what I'm talking about? [Jamie holds up another necklace] Oh, my God! Where did you?! Can you show Dewey where you found this? Sure, you can. You show me where you found this, and we can write our ticket with Mom. We cut Malcolm and Reese out. It's just you and me. [Dewey follows Jamie] Is it in the bathroom? Mom's underwear drawer? Of course! She'd never think of looking for it there. There's probably a false bottom or something.
Lois: What are you doing?!
[Dewey is holding a pair of Lois's panties]

Malcolm: [over bullhorn] Give me liberty or give me death to cockroaches, fleas and ticks. Lucky Aide Bug Bombs only $2.49. [to camera] Two years ago, I was thrown out of the locker room completely naked. Compared to now, that was a moment of pride and quiet dignity. [over bullhorn] Fourscore and seven... stool softeners for the price of six.
Lois: How you doing, honey? The manager says he hasn't heard you announce the Lucky Leader specials all morning.
Malcolm: No one cares about the special, Mom.
Lois: All right, if you want me to get up on a ladder and do it with you...
Malcolm: [sings over bullhorn] It's a grand old sale It's a high-flying sale On an exciting personal hygiene product that's new.
Lois: See? It's fun when you get into it.
Malcolm: [sings over bullhorn] If your jock has a rash And you want to save cash There's a star-spangled ointment for you. [to camera] Crap. I'd kill myself, except they'd run that picture in the paper.
Craig: Sorry I'm late, big guy! Hey! Where's the stopper for your pee hose?

Reese: Hey, man, you don't look so good. You want to try some of these experimental drugs?
Malcolm: What's all this stuff?
Reese: I'm supposed to chart my progress in these journals. You know, blackouts, hallucinations, routine stuff.
Malcolm: You're lactating?
Reese: Not all the time. Usually, it just comes out in little sticky bubbles. Hey, would you fill out a few of these for me? My hand isn't writing down what I tell it to anymore. I have to go shave my feet again.

Hal: [on the phone] Hi. Yes. Do you have a pair of Christian Louboutins red open-toed sling-backs, size 8½? Not the knockoffs, the real thing. You do?! Good! Now, I'm in a situation where money is no object, but how much? [gasps and whimpers] Would you put a pair aside for me, please? Right. Yes. They will make a nice surprise.

Francis: [answers phone] Hello? Reese?
Reese: [sobs] Francis, you gotta help me. I don't want to take drugs anymore.
Francis: Oh, geez. Okay, Reese, I want you to tell me very specifically what kind of drugs did you take?
Reese: All of them.
Francis: Dude, didn't you learn anything from when my friends baby-sat you? Remember Richie trying to dry you off in the oven?
Reese: I don't know how it happened, but I think I did something bad. I don't know what to do.
[Reese is laying on a police horse as he talks on the phone with the corded phone stretching out the window]
Francis: Reese, I want you to listen very carefully. You're going to be okay. I'm gonna talk you through this. Now, the first and most important thing you have to do is-
[As the phone cord snaps out of the receiver, the police horse gets frightened and runs off]
Reese: Hello? Hello?!

Hal: Well, I purposely dropped that bowling ball on your foot so you couldn't go to your high school reunion!
Lois: I'm two years older than you think I am! Damn it, Hal, we're to point here I don't think either one of us wants to get to!
Hal: What are we supposed to do?! I've just got so much rage built up...
Police Officer: Are these your boys?
Hal: You little monsters! How dare you get into trouble again?! After all your mother does for you!
Lois: Your father slaves away to put a roof over your head, and this is how you repay him?!
Police Officer: Okay, everybody, let's just calm down-
Hal: Why don't you mind your own business? We don't need you coming in here and telling us how to handle our children. We know what we're doing. Thank you very much.
[The horse runs down the aisle]
Reese: Mom, Dad, the drugs are wearing off.
Police Officer: Sundance, baby, is that you?
[As the horse turns a corner, Reese is thrown off into a display]

Hal: So, there I was innocently paying the bills, when I was suddenly slapped in the face by a charge for $45. It took me almost an hour to sniff out your little rathole behind the refrigerator. Would you care to explain these?
Lois: Hal, I'm sorry.
Hal: Lois, we are poor! I thought we had an understanding.
Lois: I know. You're right, Hal. I just saw them in the store. And they're not real Christian Louboutins. They're just a cheap knockoff. I just wanted to try them on, just for a second. And then I saw them in the mirror, and they looked so elegant and glamorous, and I guess I just wanted for once in my life to see what it would feel like to be... pretty.
Hal: Oh, please, I invented that act!

Hal: [to himself] Everyone says they'll economize, but I'm the only one rinsing out baggies. I'm the only one splitting two-ply toilet paper. I'm the only one snacking out of birdfeeders! Look at this! $18 for a three-minute... What the?! [dials phone]
Woman: [on phone] Welcome to the Hot Fantasy Sex Line. What's your name, baby?
Hal: This is- Are you aware kids call these numbers?! Put some clothes on! [hangs receiver on hook]
[cut to the next morning:]
Woman: [on phone] Yeah, baby, would you like that? Oh, you just love not responding, don't you? You're such a bad boy. Well, big spender, I can keep going as long as you can.
[Hal whimpers as he finally hangs the phone up properly]

Researcher: Okay, everything looks great. You're young. You're in excellent health. You're a perfect candidate for this study. Now, one last question: are you taking any other medications?
[montage:]
Reese: Of course not.
Reese: Of course not.
Reese: Of course not.
Reese: Of course not.
Reese: Of course not.