Malcolm: Craig's driving you?
Lois: Yeah. You can take the car.
Malcolm: But we can just go together.
Lois: Could we? Huh. You've been so intent on acting like we weren't in the same family.
Malcolm: No, that's not what I've been doing! I'm just mature enough to draw a distinction between what goes on at home and what we have to do at work.
Lois: Oh, I see. So it's okay to sell out your principles as long as long as you're doing it for money.
Malcolm: Yes, Mom! Big money! I've thrown away all morality and agreed to go to hell for $6.25 an hour!
Lois: You know that sign is a bigoted image, Malcolm.
Malcolm: It's not that bad. It's a picture of a man with a mop and a beer. People who mop drink beer. People who drink beer mop.
Craig: Oh, Slappy? That thing's amazing. He's tripled our Smooth Malt Liquor sales.
Lois: I can't believe I've raised a son who is so insensitive to things that really matter.
Malcolm: If I'm insensitive, I got that way by watching you!

Hal: It's not stealing, it's just borrowing. Not stealing, just borrowing.
Reese: First we pick up all the trash from our lawn. Then we top it off with a little medical waste, and we pay a visit to a certain garbage man.
Hal: And those guard dogs are going to be okay?
Reese: They'll wake up in half an hour. They may have a slight headache.
Hal: Son, if you could just apply this kind of focus and determination to your school work... Oh, that ship has sailed.

Craig: Only six more hours until that pin comes off! The last six hours of probation are what I call 'The Danger Zone'. Your eyes are so focused on the finish line, you don't even realize your hands are stuffing your pockets full of trail mix.
Lois: Damn it, Craig. Do you believe in right and wrong?
Craig: I'm not sure I follow.
Lois: Let's just say there's something you have to do, and you've been hoping someone else would do it. But you've gradually realized you have to do it yourself, even if it breaks the rules.
Craig: Dear God, I thought I'd lost my chance years ago!
Lois: Huh?
Craig: Let's just get in the car and drive. You don't have to pack, I have clothes for you in the trunk.
Lois: Oh, for the love of God.

Malcolm: [to camera] After two months of unemployment, Mom went to Lucky Aide and begged for her job back. They finally let her come back as a probationary employee.
Lois: It just goes to show you, Malcolm. If you want to wear the smock, you can't be afraid to humble yourself. I'd forgotten how well this hangs.

Hal: Ta-da! It's a cat habitat. You know how you're always saying there's no reason for us to get a cat? Well, now there is one! It's got a tetherball, two main decks, an activity center and a crow's nest to look out for other cats. I call it, Cat-Man-Do.
[cut to Hal groaning as he drags it to the curb:]
Hal: Like every idea she has is so great!

Dewey: Do you think it's going to snow?
Hal: Don't be silly. It hasn't snowed in a year and a half.
Dewey: That could change. We could have a snow day any day now. I deserve a snow day!
Hal: The whole neighbourhood's going to see this thing in our trash, and know your mother is nuts!
Dewey: It's awfully big. Do you think the trash man's going to take this?
Hal: Oh, he'll take it. That's why I'm leaving him a six pack. [to the cat habitat] You're the only thing I've ever been proud of. Come on, Dewey.

Woman: Didn't you used to work here a couple of months ago?
Lois: Oh, yeah. I practically ran this place for about twelve years. In fact, I think I still hold the record-
Craig: Lois! Mr. Crechale said probationary employees have to wear the pin.
[Craig sticks a "Help me learn!" pin on Lois's top]
Woman: It's so big.
Craig: I've been on probation lots of times, Lois. You can choose not to feel humiliated. They're just trying to break your spirit with the pin, and the drug test, and those draconian hygiene checks. I suggest for the next two weeks, you wash your hands after using the bathroom, just in case. Oh, by the way, they changed the codes. [talks as Lois scans items] The women's room isn't 456892, it's 630385. Oh, and if you ever need the Men's, don't try 876466, it's 459929.
Lois: Damn it. [over P.A.] Over ring on Two. [Malcolm comes and unlocks the register]
Woman: I'm sure you're good at lots of things.

Hal: The Trash Man didn't take it?!
Dewey: Nope.
Hal: Where's the beer?
Dewey: Oh, he took that. He drank one and poured the rest into his thermos.
Hal: And he left this here to mock me.
Dewey: Maybe we can chop it up.
Hal: No! Dewey, we are not accommodating him. I did not pour my heart and soul into this thing so that the trash man could refuse to take it away. There are principles that need to... [yells at cats] Shoo! Get out of there! This society is falling to pieces.

Hal: Excuse me! Excuse me!
Jerry: Yeah?
Hal: I don't know if you remember, I put this cat habitat out last week.
Jerry: Yeah, I can't take that. It's too big.
Hal: But, you took the six pack that I left you. You must have known it was an advance thank you.
Jerry: Actually, I thought it was an overdue apology.
Hal: Apology? Why would this family give you an apology?
Jerry: Because you people are pigs! You don't even use half the stuff you throw out. And nine months after your wife leaves three birth control pills in the pack, here comes the disposable diapers again. Talk about screwed up priorities! And you guys buy those generic diapers that break apart in the can, and yet I notice someone could afford a Toblerone every Friday!
Hal: Hey buddy, this family's trash is none of your business!

Dewey: Can you believe some of the stuff people throw out?
Hal: Did you shut the door, tape the cracks and spray?
Dewey: You know, if you just dive in, you get used to it.