Malcolm: [to camera] I don't know how yet, but there's definitely a way I can justify this.
Hal: Malcolm!
Malcolm: [to camera] Dang, I thought I'd at least get a few minutes in before he busted me. You know what? Screw it. I'm sick of this.
Hal: What do you think you're doing?
Malcolm: Taking my skates to go play hockey.
Hal: Absolutely not; we had an agreement.
Malcolm: Agreement? You just like bossing me around!
Hal: And you like fighting me every step of the way!
Malcolm: Because you're treating me like a baby! The stuff you're teaching me is stupid.
Hal: Okay, that's it. You just lost these, pal.
Malcolm: Oh, yeah? Well [squealing] [screeching] [feedback] ...you. [to camera] You heard me.

Reese: I cannot believe you said that to Dad. Oh, and by the way, if you pass Francis on your way to Siberia, tell him I said hi.
Malcolm: Do you think he told Mom?
Reese: I wouldn't worry about that. Mom's feeling a lot better. Dr. Reese paid her a little visit.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Reese: Let's just say, pills and sandwich - not effective; pills and milk - effective.

Hal: I just don't get it. I mean, I have always been the good parent.
Lois: [laughs] That's true.
Hal: I'm the nice one.
Lois: Yeah, that's true.
Hal: You're the bad one. The system can't work with two bad cops.
Lois: Oh, I hate cops. Cops, eh... You know what else I hate? Those what-do-you-call-thems? Those-
Hal: I wasn't ready for this from Malcolm.
Lois: Those soap salesmen.
Hal: Not yet. But he stepped over the line, and I don't think there's any way back. I mean, it's not as if I caught him with a cigarette and can make him smoke a whole carton.
Lois: You know what? I hate bigots too. Oh, I hate bigots.
Hal: Malcolm has always been different. God, why can't he be like his brothers? Reese took a swing at me; Francis took a swing at me... That I can deal with. Block, chop, they're on the ground gasping for air. It's over with. But this is like... words.
Lois: I mean, you know what I hate most of all? I hate those gigantic pink... [falls asleep]
Hal: Oh, thank God.

Lois: Hal.
Hal: [gasps] Honey, what are you doing up?
Lois: Don't you "honey" me. You slipped me drugs. Oh! You ought to be ashamed of yourself getting Reese to sandbag me like that. "Would you like some milk, Mother?" The kid's never brought me one thing in his entire life. And don't think I can't smell those Gut-Busters coming out of your pores. You are back on rice cakes, mister, starting now!

Hal: Now, you said what you said, and we can't change that. And it isn't the kind of thing that could be solved with an apology or a simple punishment. But we do need to find a way to get past this. Agreed?
Malcolm: I guess so.
Hal: Good. Now, here's how I see it: this whole thing stems from you feeling like I treat you like a child. So...
Malcolm: What's this?
Hal: That is ten pages, single-spaced, of filthy name-calling.
Malcolm: What?
Hal: They get worse as they go along.
Malcolm: What am I supposed to do with this?
Hal: Well, since you think you're old enough to use these kind of words, I think you're old enough to see the effect they have. Malcolm, you are going to look me in the eye and say every last one of these terrible things to the man who held you in his arms the moment you were born.
Malcolm: But, Dad-
Hal: Uh-uh. I'm not your dad. I'm, uh... here... [tapping on page]
Malcolm: A stinkin' son of a-
Hal: To my face. Continue.

Malcolm: I can't.
Hal: You see, son? Words hurt. That's why you have to use them carefully.
Malcolm: I understand, Dad. I'm sorry.
Hal: Okay. I think you've had enough.
Malcolm: No, wait. I can make it through the whole list. I'm not going to let you down again. [no audio]... hole.
Hal: Good. Very thorough.
Malcolm: Dad, will you please finish teaching me how to skate?
Hal: Of course. But let's not make eye contact for a couple weeks.
Malcolm: You got it.

Hal: Malcolm, where have you been? You got to get in on this.
Malcolm: Dad... I want skating lessons.
Hal: Son, do you know, once you start there's no going back?
Malcolm: I know.
Hal: This means total commitment. Once you begin the path, there is no leaving the path. Are you sure you're ready for that? I mean really ready?
Malcolm: I-I guess so.
Hal: Neat. We'll start tomorrow. Come on, dig in before they harden.

Malcolm: Why can't you just tell me what it was like?
Reese: One, I'm not supposed to, and two, I don't even like to think about it. It makes me cry.

Lois: Hey, hey, hey! What's wrong with you? You know you're not supposed to skate in the house.
Reese: Why? Everyone else in the world gets to.
Lois: Wait a minute. Somebody stepped in something. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! What a mess! Reese what did you roll in?
Reese: [wipes wheels on coffee table] Oh, man.

Francis: Survival weekend? What does that mean?
Stanley: That means we get to spend two whole days out in the wilderness with limited supplies and no food.
Francis: You're kidding, right?
Stanley: No. It's a excellent way to learn basic survival techniques.
Francis: It's two days in the woods. Our parents are paying for room and board. Where does that money go? Sounds like a big scam.
Stanley: Maybe so, but you're doing it.
Francis: What?
Stanley: Francis, I let you blow off a lot of things around here but this is something I believe in. It's a character builder. I think it'll be good for you.
Francis: How could it be good for me? No food, no shelter.
Stanley: No broken clavicles.
Francis: That's something inside me, right?