Robber #2: All right, you two! Let's move it.
Craig: He likes waving that around too much. This is going to end in body bags.
Lois: No, Craig, it isn't.
Craig: Lois... before we die, I have to tell you something. It's about how I feel...
Lois: Craig, no.
Craig: But, Lois...
Lois: Craig, no! This will all be over soon.

Reese: How long do we have to stay in here?
Hal: Till all the bats are gone. And with every window and door wide open in this house, it's only a matter of time.
Reese: Can't new ones just fly in?
Hal: So, Dewey, how was school today?
Dewey: Mikey Duffy pushed me down.
Hal: Did you push him back?
Dewey: No. He's bigger than me.
Hal: Uh-huh. Reese?
Reese: I'm on it.
Malcolm: This is crazy! I can't eat!
Hal: Why? Is something bothering you at school, son? Oh. Right.
Reese: Anybody want my baked potato? It's kind of burnt.
Hal: No, thanks. ... Reese, we aren't having baked potatoes. [all scream]

Reese: All right! That's it! Let's just move! Mom will find us somehow.
Hal: No. I'm tired of running. I'm tired of screaming like a girl every five minutes. I will not be put out of my home by a bunch of airborne rodents, and neither will you! I may have been the one that brought them into this house, but it is up to all of us to show them the door. Get ready, boys. It's time to put out the bats. [screams]

Craig: Lois, are you all right?
Lois: No, I am not all right. I'm sitting here at gunpoint, and I wouldn't have to be if you'd stop being stupid and give them the combination.
Craig: I told you, I can't do that.
Lois: Craig, please. I'm frightened. I want to go home and be with my family.
Craig: [quietly] They never told me the combination.
Lois: What did you just say?
Craig: They never told me the combination. They said they couldn't trust me with it. They gave the combination to the guy who runs the photo lab next door. He comes in at night and transfers the money.
Lois: Why didn't you just say this earlier?
Craig: I don't know. I guess I wasn't in a big rush to let everybody know what a pathetic idiot I am.
Lois: Oh, Craig, I'm so sorry.

Robber #1: Whoa, chubs, you got faced.
[Craig stands up and walks over to the safe]
Craig: You want this?! You want this stupid, stupid, stupid safe?! Here's your stupid safe!
[Craig throws the safe at the wall, knocking open the safe door]
Robber #2: Cool. [grabs money]
Lois: Craig, are you all right?
Craig: I don't know. I heard something rip, and if it wasn't my pants, it was inside of me.

Craig: [sings over P.A.] Hey, did you happen to see The most beautiful girl in the world? And if you did Was she crying Crying? Hey Did you happen to see The most beautiful girl That walked out on me? Tell her I'm sorry Tell her I need my baby Oh, ho-ho-ho...

Lois: Wow! You sure got up early.
Hal: Yup. No rest for the weary.
Lois: Wait a minute. Did you even come to bed last night?
Hal: No, dear. I stayed up all night watching Mexican soap operas. [chuckles] Bye-bye.

Hal: Isn't she beautiful? And to think someone was just throwing her out. She was under six bags of garbage, but, oh, I knew your mother would love her. When does she get home?
Malcolm: She's working till 10:00.
Hal: Great! Gives us plenty of time to get her ready.
Reese: Dad, it's junk.
Hal: Reese, with a little paint and some new hardware, one man's junk is another man's anniversary present. Come on, help me get her inside.

Lois: Can I help you?
Robber #1: Give me your money.
Lois: Oh, for crying out loud, again?
Robber #2: Shut up and hand it over.
Lois: Okay, just relax, cowboy. We have a way of doing this so nobody gets hurt. I give you every bit of money in this drawer, and you and your friend just leave. Okay?
Robber #2: Okay.
Lois: See? Nobody gets hurt. Nobody gets caught. Everybody happy. Okay?
Craig: Lois, I think Cheryl A. flipped me off behind my back.
Lois: Craig, I am, uh, I'm with some customers. There you go. Bye now.

Lois: Hey, is there any way we can speed this along?
Robber #2: Yeah. Somebody can give us the combination to the safe.
Lois: Fine. I can't, but the assistant manager can. Craig, give them the combination to the safe.
Craig: No.
Lois: What?
Craig: You can't have it.
Lois: Yes, they can. Craig, give them the combination.
Robber #1: Let me talk to them. [aims gun at Craig] What's the combo?!
Craig: Ca... [passes out and takes Lois down with him]