‘Reese's Apartment’
Season 5, Episode 15 - Aired March 21, 2004
After Lois and Hal throw Reese out of the house following an abominable prank, Reese rents his own apartment. Meanwhile, Francis is outraged at his parents for throwing another kid out.
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: What's wrong with Dad?
Lois: Your father just found out what Reese did.
Malcolm: What'd he do?
Lois: Your brother...
[later:]
Malcolm: Oh, my God! Did they have to evacuate?!
Hal: Glurb...
Quote from Francis
Reese: Oh, man, this place is awesome.
Francis: Reese, I know you think this place is great, but any objective observer will tell you it's most certainly not.
Malcolm: [enters] Whoa! This place is awesome!
Dewey: One thing's for sure. I'd never, ever leave if I were you.
Reese: So who's up for some muffins?
Malcolm: I am.
Dewey: Me.
Francis: No! No muffins. Reese, you can't just keep playing house like this. Mom and Dad did something really horrible to you, just like they did to me, only you can't let them get away with it. You don't belong here. You belong at home.
Reese: All right, fine. Tell me one thing about my life that would be better if I was still at home.
[cut to Francis, Malcolm and Dewey leaving Reese's apartment:]
Malcolm: I thought the "toilet seat never needs warming" argument was pretty good.
Quote from Hal
[When Hal and Lois walk into the boys' bedroom, Dewey is asleep with his finger on a catalog]
Lois: Will you look at that?
Hal: He wants a trampoline for his birthday.
Lois: That's so cute, but we can't afford that.
[Dewey's finger slides down to a cheaper skate board]
Lois: He can get that if he doesn't have a party.
[Dewey's finger moves down to an even cheaper pogo stick]
Hal: That is perfect. He'll be so surprised.
Quote from Dewey
Francis: [on the phone] They kicked Reese out again?
Dewey: Yeah, we haven't heard from him in two days. I'm actually impressed. Usually by now he's eating cat food off of Mrs. Harvey's porch. [sits on Reese's bed]
Francis: This is horrible. How can they do this to their own children?
Dewey: Yeah, it's really traumatizing me. [slides Reese's stuff into the trash]
Francis: [on the phone] Don't they care about the psychological damage they're inflicting? A home isn't conditional. A home should be safe and secure and...
Dewey: Roomy.
Quote from Reese
Reese: Great timing. The muffins just came out.
Francis: Thank God you called me. I can't believe the hell Mom and Dad put you through. Hey, whose place is this?
Reese: It's mine. It's completely furnished, including cable TV. I told them I was 18, so I got a two-year lease. You're a banana-walnut man, right?
Francis: Reese, you can't live in a place like this.
Reese: Yeah, I can. They were having a move-in special. First month free. It's only $375 a month, utilities included. I can make my rent in a week if I pick up an extra shift. I should have done this, like, six months ago.
Quote from Hal
Lois: This is all... new to us.
Hal: We've never... examined our parenting before. It always seemed to us like something that should just come naturally.
Lois: Yeah, everything on the planet's been having kids for billions of years. I mean, look at snakes. They never take parenting classes. The world's crawling with them.
Dr. Lucille Armstrong: How exactly did you want me to help you?
Lois: Well, we have fallen into a bad pattern. Our boys misbehave and they are punished. And then they severely misbehave and they are severely punished. And then they misbehave in some outlandish, jaw-dropping way where, if we responded in kind, we'd end up in jail.
Hal: We're at the end of our rope here.
Dr. Lucille Armstrong: Well, of course you are.
Hal: So, we were hoping that with all your training, you could teach us some kind of subtle trick that would stop them in their tracks.
Dr. Lucille Armstrong: Trick?
Hal: Yeah, you know, some kind of secret psychological thing that would get them to shut up and listen to us for a change.
Quote from Reese
Reese: You want some dinner?
Lois: No, but thank you, Reese.
Reese: Seriously. I just got a convection oven. I can whip you up a frittata in, like, ten minutes.
Quote from Lois
Lois: Reese, we came here to do something. It goes against all of our instincts, and even as I'm about to do it, it doesn't feel right. But... it seems our instincts aren't very good lately, so... here goes.
Reese: What is it?
Lois: Reese, we love you, and we think you might be better off staying here.
Reese: Really?
Hal: Honest to God, you seem to be doing much better without us. I mean, let's face it, in 17 years with us, you have spent more days in juvenile court than you have in school. But now, after ten days on your own, you... you're a functioning member of society.
Reese: Wow! I must have really changed. I don't even want to rub it in.
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: [to camera] It's been almost a month, and Mom's still coming up with fresh punishments for Reese. She says she's never felt more creative. She must be doing something right. He has a white streak in his hair.
Quote from Francis
Francis: [on the phone] The point is, I got kicked out when I was 15 and I never got to come home again. They can't do this to Reese. Someone has to do something. Someone has to stop them. Am I the only one who understands what kind of monsters these people are?
Dewey: I don't think this is as big a deal to the rest of the family as it is to you. Maybe you're overreacting.
[cut to Francis on the phone in the car:]
Francis: Overreacting? Dewey, when you're older, you will understand. There are things in life called priorities, which I will explain to you in a few hours when I get there. Right now, I have to call Otto and cash in some personal days. [hangs up] "Overreacting."