Craig: Yeah, uh, say, Lois, you, uh, you want to catch a movie or something over lunch? They're playing My Best Friend's Wedding over in Electronics.
Lois: No, thanks. I-
Craig: Fine. Forget it. [trips over the half-door] Oof! [groaning] I'm okay.

Malcolm: More paper.
Dewey: I get to do the bow.
Reese: Why'd she give you the money to buy the gift?
Malcolm: Because she didn't want another karate video.
Reese: It's ka-ra-te.
Dewey: I get to do the bow.
Reese: What did we get them anyway?
Malcolm: Picture frame.
Reese: Brownnoser.
Dewey: I get to do the bow.
Malcolm: We're not finished yet.
Dewey: Yeah, but I get to do the bow.

Hal: Everything's all set up?
Maitre'd: I believe so, sir.
Hal: Table seven? Chateau Brut '87? Hors d'oeuvres medley?
Maitre'd: Yes, sir.
Hal: Oh, geez, one more thing. I almost forgot. Uh, my wife always orders lobster, so could you have the chef slip this on the lobster's claw just before you serve it? She gets such a kick out of stuff like that. And so do I, for that matter.
Maitre'd: Not a problem, sir.
Hal: The violinist has our song?
Maitre'd: He received the sheet music this morning.
Hal: Good. Good, good, good, good. You would be surprised how many times I've heard "Tears of a Clown" just butchered.

Lois: Go ahead. It's a name brand. [opens can] [Malcolm drinks] I'm not mad at you. I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me find out who did.
[cut to Lois talking to Reese, who has also been given a can of soda:]
Lois: This is serious. One of your brothers could have burned the house down. And for that, he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a very happy boy.
[cut to Lois talking to Dewey, who has again been given a can of soda:]
Lois: And I want that to be you.
[montage of Lois talking to Malcolm, Reese and Dewey:]
Lois: 'Cause you've always been the best one.
Lois: You've always been the best one.
Lois: You have always been the best one.
[montage:]
Malcolm: Mom, honestly, I don't know who did it.
Reese: I don't know.
Dewey: Don't know.

♫ Nice is good, mean is bad Don't be mean 'cause mean is bad Nice is better than mean ♫
[As Lois walks into the boys' room, they are all singing:]
Boys: [sing] Hugs are good Thugs are bad Don't be a thug 'cause thugs are bad Hugs are better than thugs
[Lois closes the door]
Reese: Did you see that?
Dewey: Hooray!
Malcolm: Francis is a genius! Come on! Sing louder!
Boys: [sing] Nice is good, mean is bad Don't be mean 'cause mean is bad Nice is better than
Lois: [holding a video camera] Oh, your grandmother and all your friends are just going to love this at your next birthday party.

Lois: I don't know who put you up to this sticking-together garbage, but I don't like it. Therefore, you have forced me to do something terrible. Say good-bye to a cherished family member.
[The boys scream as Lois gets ready to swing a sledgehammer at the TV]

Francis: [on the phone] They saved the TV. [classmates cheer] Beautiful work. Beautiful. You have her exactly where you want her - totally crazy. Now it's time to take the offensive.
Malcolm: The offensive?
Francis: Exactly. She won't- Wait a minute. Did you hear breathing?
Malcolm: What?
Francis: Mom? [classmates scatter]
Lois: Malcolm. Would you hang up the phone, please?
Francis: Hi, Mom. Happy anniversary.

Lois: [on the phone] I cannot believe you, Francis. You think you are so clever turning them against me, don't you?
Francis: No, Mom.
Lois: We did not send you to Marlin Academy so that you can undermine my authority long-distance.
Francis: Why did you send me?
Lois: Well, it was not so that you could undermine my authority. And if I am not mistaken, you are undermining my authority.

Malcolm: [to camera] I swear to God, on paper, this was a great idea.
Lois: All right, that's it. Get dressed - we're going to dinner.
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, my God, it did work.
Reese: What?
Lois: Dinner. I won't have you boys starving to death. The last thing I need is a bunch of social workers and reporters tearing up the front lawn. Now, hurry up before I change my mind.
Reese: What about the dress?
Lois: I really liked that dress.

Malcolm: Finished.
Reese: Finally. [puts bow on]
Dewey: No! I was supposed to do the bow.
Reese: Well, you should have said something.
Dewey: I'm telling. Mom!
[As Dewey runs towards his parents' bedroom, Lois is coming the other way with her sodden, burnt red dress. Dewey turns and runs back into the kitchen.]
Dewey: No!