TV Quotes

Malcolm: Okay, you know what? This is stupid. We have to talk about this.
Reese: Right. I mean, just because it's weird doesn't mean we can't handle it. We're brothers.
Malcolm: Right. We've been through everything together. We shouldn't be pussy footing around about it. I got you something.
Reese: Hey, I got you something.
Malcolm: Really? See, this is what I'm talking about. We're being open and supportive and honest with each other. Here.
Reese: What's this? It's called "If You're Gay, It's Okay." It's full of great resources.
Malcolm: What's this?
Reese: Naughty Pool Boys III. I watched ten or twelve of these, and this one seems to have the most stuff you guys like.

Jessica: And it never even occurred to you to wonder why Reese is so angry all the time? Why he acts like such a jerk?
Malcolm: Because he's a jerk.
Jessica: Oh, that's right. Just because he's your brother doesn't mean you should put any thought into it. He couldn't possibly be dealing with anything weird and confusing. He couldn't possibly be afraid to admit that he wanted to go see a musical because you'd make fun of him.
Malcolm: Of course I'd make fun of him. What kind of guy wants to see a Broadway musical?
Jessica: Yes, Malcolm. What kind of a guy does want to go see a Broadway musical?
Malcolm: [scoffs] Come on.
Jessica: Maybe you're not being selfish. Maybe you're just too scared where it leads if you think about how much he fusses over his hair and his body and his gourmet cooking. Some people just don't want to see what's right in front of their faces. [Jessica looks at the body-building magazines on Reese's bed]
Malcolm: Nuh-uh.
Jessica: Look, maybe I'm butting in where I don't belong, but you're his brother, and he should at least be able to count on you for support.

Fran: When your milk duct is blocked, it's called mastitis. It's important that you let your baby suck the obstruction out of the breast, and don't be alarmed if the baby then vomits up a cottage cheese-type substance. Now, join me over here...
Dewey: Like I needed another reason to hate cottage cheese.
Reese: I've been kind of zoning in and out here, but did she just say milk comes out of those things?
Malcolm: Reese, that's what they're for.
Reese: My God! Women are the cows of people!

Lois: Good morning, Malcolm. There's money on the counter for your yearbook.
Malcolm: I don't want to buy a yearbook. I don't want anything that will remind me I ever went to that stupid school.
Reese: How can you say that? Being part of a group is important. Don't you care about loyalty? I think loyalty is the most important thing there is.
Lois: Well, I'm glad at least one of my sons knows something about that.
[Reese sees the mail man walking down the drive:]
Reese: [shouts through the window] Hey! What are you doing here?! This isn't your house! You don't live here! We live here! This is our house! What do you want?! Huh?! What?! What?! What?! What?! What?! What?! What?! What?!