Lois: Why are you pacing?
Hal: Let me ask you something, Lois. What would you do if, hypothetically, through a series of unforeseeable circumstances, you found yourself commanding an army of benevolent strongmen?
Lois: What?
Hal: Picture it. A dozen guys, any one of them can rip a horse in half, willing to follow your every command. Well, you'd have to do something really great with that. Something noble and unselfish, but not too expensive. And we are not even taking into account that I could easily be led to the dark side. Lois, you have to promise me, if you ever see me holding a cat and laughing maniacally over a globe, you need to let me know.

Lois: Good night, honey. I made you a turkey and cream cheese sandwich for school tomorrow. [closes door]
Malcolm: What are you trying to do?
Reese: Mom hasn't made you do any of the crap she's made us do. Why is she being so nice to you?
Dewey: Because, for the last three days, I haven't done anything wrong. You see, Mom doesn't yell and scream at us because it's the only way she knows how to talk. She does it because we do stuff that's bad. And, if you don't do anything, she doesn't get mad at you. You understand? It's not her. It's us.
Malcolm: Fine. Don't tell us.

Hal: [on the phone] Yes, he does have a better head of hair... No, I have no idea what he would like as a "welcome to the firm" gift. Okay. Good-bye. [hangs up]
Lois: Oh... Don't worry about it.
Hal: There's got to be something I can get a job at. There's got to be a big turnover in test pilots. Or advertising. I could do advertising!
Lois: Hal, you have no experience in advertising.
Hal: I'm a natural. Little jingles are constantly popping into my head. [sings] Oh, wham, bam, thank you, jam Who's gonna love it? Your family am! [sings] Banana skin It's so nice and thin There's no better way to keep your banana in.
Lois: Hal...
Hal: [sings] Newspaper, keeping track Of your neighborhood raper...