Reese Quote #425
Quote from Reese in Reese Joins the Army: Part 1
Sgt. Hendrix: Good morning, maggots! Now, I want you to understand why I call you maggots. The maggot is the slimy, quivering larval form of the common housefly, and we all know what maggots eat. [Hendrix passes Reese, who is the only private not in his fatigues and is busy playing a game] And I will be the guy providing... Good God. I bet there's a great story for this, isn't there, son?
Reese: Hang on.
Sgt. Hendrix: Of course.
Reese: Okay.
Sgt. Hendrix: Would you like to tell me what happened to your gear, Private?
Reese: Oh, I traded it. I got this and five cartridges.
Sgt. Hendrix: So, you just blithely gave away your government-issued rucksack and poncho?
Reese: Well, the pack, I figure, I can eventually get off a dead guy, and the poncho? Come on. Does it look like rain to you?
[cut to Reese doing push-ups in the mud as Hendrix holds a garden hose over him:]
Reese: [sings] My drill sergeant helps me learn I am just a lowly worm He commands the sun and rain I am just a human stain My drill...
Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
‘Reese Joins the Army: Part 1’ Quotes
Quote from Reese
Sgt. Hendrix: Well, troop, you've polished your boots before everyone else. How on God's good earth did you accomplish that miracle?
Reese: I just did it exactly the way you told me to. Remove laces, pull tongue forward, apply polish, pull tongue backward, buff, replace laces, repeat. I did the same thing to make my bed and secure my foot locker.
Sgt. Hendrix: Well, that's the most miraculous turnaround that I've ever seen. I want you to explain to these recruits how the worst soldier in the unit has managed to put them all to shame!
Reese: I just stopped thinking. I figured out that using my brain was the whole problem... not just here, but my entire life. If I just do exactly what I'm told and nothing else, then everything gets easy. It's not even a question of smart or dumb. You just turn yourself into a tool. I'm much happier that way. I'm the world's happiest tool.
Sgt. Hendrix: You must be proud of yourself, son.
Reese: I don't know if I am or not. I'm waiting for you to tell me.
Sgt. Hendrix: My God. A soldier like you comes along once in a thousand years.
Quote from Hal
Lois: Oh, Jamie finally fell asleep. Haven't you finished paying these bills yet?
Hal: How am I supposed to know which ones to blow off? "Ultimate Final Notice" is obviously more serious than "Absolute Final Notice," but pink is angrier than yellow, and this one's still saying, "Please."
Quote from Hal
Hal: Ooh! Sorry, Officer. Excuse me.
Police Officer: You in a hurry?
Hal: You know, busy day. You understand.
Police Officer: Is that your backpack?
Hal: Oh, uh, no, no. Absolutely not.
Police Officer: Better check it out. [unzips bag] Whoa! I think we got a bomb here. You got to get out of here.
Hal: No, I-I can't.
Police Officer: Sir, I need you to step away to a distance of at least 150 feet.
Hal: I can't do that. I'm... I'm... I'm in the bomb squad.
Police Officer: What?
Hal: That's right. You better let a professional handle this. Damn. I was a week from retirement. You get to safety. I'll take it from here.
Police Officer: Yes, sir.