Malcolm: Enjoy it?! Doesn't anyone besides me get it? The whole neighborhood hates us. So much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone.
Lois: Malcolm, that's not news. I'm just surprised they're so organized.
Malcolm: It doesn't bother you that everyone despises us?
Lois: No. These people need somebody to be mad at. Having us to hate gives the whole neighborhood something to bond over.
Hal: Your mother's right, son. Communities seek out a common enemy. If it wasn't us, they'd all team up against someone else. Probably a minority.
Lois: Malcolm, you can't spend your whole life worrying about what people think about you. They'll like you, they'll hate you, they'll think whatever they want to think, and then you die.
Malcolm: Is that supposed to cheer me up?
Lois: I don't know why you need cheering up. You are a teenage boy with a block party right outside his door. Now, you can stay in here and sulk if you want to, but your father and I are gonna go have a good time.
Hal: Come on, honey. Oh, my God, it's a lawnmower parade.

Dewey: It's either a lizard or a baby alligator. It's been in our cesspool for a month. I think he lives on poo.
Boy: Where is it?
Reese: Hello, everyone. [kids gasp] Don't worry. If I wanted to beat you up, you'd all be hanging by your underpants by now. I've gathered you here to make you an offer.
Dewey: What kind of offer, Reese?
Reese: I'm glad you asked, Dewey. It's no secret that I've tortured all of you over the years. Some of you have scars on the outside. Some of you are damaged in places we can't see. Each one of you wants revenge. And you know what? You're entitled to it.
Dewey: Gee, Reese, revenge sounds great. But how could we accomplish that?
Reese: Another good question, Dewey. For 20 bucks, I'll let each one of you beat the hell out of me for 30 seconds.
Dewey: Boy, Reese, this is tempting. But how do we know you won't let us hit you today, but then get even with us tomorrow?
Reese: That's the beauty part. I'll be tied up and blindfolded the whole time you're beating me.
Boy: Wow.
Reese: The line will form at the garage in one hour. I'm not gonna tell you how to get the money. Your mothers all have purses. Except for you, Freddy. Your mother wears a travel belt.

Francis: Hey, Otto. What's this?
Otto: It's called a mount. It is an artificial cow's hindquarters. This will allow us to extract precious seed from Bruno. [bull grunts] He cost me a fortune, but there is gold in those schlapels.
Francis: Can't we just let him go out and mount the heifers?
Otto: No, Bruno is much too rough for my girls. They have lived very sheltered lives. Most of them are even embarrassed by the milking.
Francis: I'm gonna have to be the one to work this, aren't I?
Otto: It is not as bad as you think. All you have to do is climb inside. Bruno will mount you, offer his shwarzencaufin, you will extract the seed.
Francis: That's a million times worse than I thought!
Otto: Oh, now, Francis. There's nothing to be afraid of. Hmm, I wonder why you have to wear goggles.