Hal Quote #439
Lois: This is ridiculous. We came all this way to have one relaxing, romantic weekend and, and we're more tense than when we left the house.
Hal: Well, there's nothing we can do about it now.
Lois: Yes, there is. We've got seven minutes left. We paid for it. We're going to use it.
Lois: By doing one nice thing for each other before we go. And we'd better make it good, because we're not going to have another chance at it for 18 years.
Hal: Well... I suppose I could be persuaded to make a gesture.
Lois: Will you rub my feet?
Hal: I would love to rub your feet.
Lois: What can I do for you?
Hal: Please leave my balls alone.
Quote from Reese
Reese: I'm sorry, Malcolm. I'm already committed to this party.
Malcolm: Reese, you've seen enough teenage movies to know how badly this is going to turn out.
Reese: I haven't just seen them, I've studied them. And I found the fatal flaw. In very one of those movies, the party was on a Saturday night. Mine? Friday. This gives me an extra day to refill the pool, replace the crystal thing, turn back the odometer, and get the dead bodies back in the ground.
Malcolm: Please don't do this to me.
Reese: Tell you what, Malcolm. I'll try and keep the front room closet off limits as long as I can.
Quote from Hal
Lois: Hal, you sat with an ice pack on your crotch for three days.
Hal: Well, that should count for something.
Lois: Hal, we talked about this. We agreed on this.
Hal: No, you agreed on it! I never wanted a vasectomy. There are plenty of other methods out there.
Lois: Oh, yeah, they work. We've got our rhythm method child, our diaphragm child, our condom child. Oh, yes, and our two abstinence children.
Hal: Lois, you just don't understand how extraordinarily precious those parts are to me.
Lois: Precious?! Hal, give me a break. You're not that guy. You've never been that guy.
Hal: When it comes to this, every guy is that guy.
Quote from Craig
Craig: Well, little man, you and I have quite the fun-filled weekend ahead of us. Tomorrow morning, there's jazz at the Farmer's Market. Then Lifetime is having an Intimate Portrait of Sandy Bullock. And tomorrow night, there's improv in the park with a political bent. Sound fun?
Quote from Blackout
Hal: I have Kobe beef.
Reese: No way.
Reese: That's like $60 an ounce.
Hal: I know. I won it in a Minesweeper tournament at work. Years of practicing eight hours a day has finally paid off.
Quote from Malcolm Babysits
Hal: Hi, son. Didn't hear you drive up.
Malcolm: I decided to walk.
Hal: So, how's the job going?
Malcolm: They were jerks, so I quit.
Hal: Well, that's pretty much what work is. Welcome to the club.
Quote from Buseys Run Away
Lois: Why are you pacing?
Hal: Let me ask you something, Lois. What would you do if, hypothetically, through a series of unforeseeable circumstances, you found yourself commanding an army of benevolent strongmen?
Hal: Picture it. A dozen guys, any one of them can rip a horse in half, willing to follow your every command. Well, you'd have to do something really great with that. Something noble and unselfish, but not too expensive. And we are not even taking into account that I could easily be led to the dark side. Lois, you have to promise me, if you ever see me holding a cat and laughing maniacally over a globe, you need to let me know.