Craig: I'm cooperating! I never met this man before. I hate the Constitution. I hate free speech. I'll snitch. I know things!

Craig: This better be good. There'll be hell to pay if Jellybean wakes up from her massage and doesn't see me on the table next to her. [gasps] Oh, my God! Is that a Nortair?
Malcolm: It's a Nortair 680b. It's, like, the first personal computer ever made. You have an interest in this type of stuff, don't you?
Craig: There aren't many of these left. I'll give you five bucks for it.
Malcolm: Yeah, right. I checked online. This is in mint condition. It's worth at least $1,300.
Craig: Deal. No take-backs, double black magic, tap it, bomb it, flush it down the toilet. You understand it's going to take me a couple days to get the money.
Malcolm: That's exactly what I want. I want you to buy it this Saturday at our garage sale. In front of everybody. With cash. You're going to react in horror when I tell you Reese was going to throw this in the trash. And then you're going to tell everyone they should have listened to me all along.
Craig: You know, right now you're sounding a lot like a James Bond villain.
Malcolm: Me? There's nothing wrong with me. I'm fine. And right. And right! And on Saturday, everyone's going to know it.
Craig: Okay, but these revenge plans have a way of backfiring. Word to the wise, if you ever make someone an Ex-Lax milkshake, don't do it on an empty stomach.

Hal: [on radio] There are so many things the government doesn't want you to know, and that's why they don't want Kid Charlemagne on this mic. Do I love my country? Yes. Do I vote? I used to, until they moved our polling place to the house with the big dog.
Lois: [o.s.] Hal! I said dinner!
Hal: [on tape] Kid Charlemagne is back on the air.