Otto: Helga, this cheese is magnificent. [laughs] Would you like to try just a little bite? No? How could you not like cheese? It is made from something that comes from you.
Francis: Hey, Otto.
Otto: Ooh. Francis. Have you seen Helga's squeaky toy? It's the one that looks like a little fire hydrant.
Francis: No, but I did get in the new branding iron.
Otto: Shh. Do you want to scare the poor thing out of her wits?
Francis: Otto, I know how much you love Helga, but we have to do this. All the cows have to get branded and de-wormed. I promise I will be very careful.
Otto: [fretful mutter] But don't tell her about it. You know, she is not as brave as she looks. I told her one ghost story around the campfire, and she had to sleep between me and Gretchen for a week.

Malcolm: Mom, don't do this!
Lois: Malcolm, in a few days, I'm going to be gone for a very long time, and I need to know that you're okay. We are going to have this talk. I know about you and Nicki.
Malcolm: I'm not seeing Nicki! I'm not having sex! I know about protection! I know all that stuff!
Lois: Malcolm, there's a lot more to being a sexually responsible person than what they teach you in health class. It's very different when you're experiencing it yourself.
Malcolm: Mom, stop. I'll do anything you ask. Just don't have this conversation.
Lois: Oh, honey, it's going to happen.
Malcolm: [groans] No.
Lois: You think I like it? You think I like the embarrassment we're going to be feeling for the next few hours? But, Malcolm, I have no choice. I cannot be there when you are having sex.
Malcolm: God!
Lois: So I'm going to try to give you the benefit of my experience. I'm going to bury you with every piece of information I have. I don't know what will be helpful and what won't, so I'm just going to tell you everything.
Malcolm: Oh, my God!
Lois: The sooner we start, the sooner it'll be over with. Now, this is a diaphragm.

Lois: Aha! No coaster. Look at that ring. That is why I have to move out of this house.
Malcolm: Mom.
Lois: Every time you boys thoughtlessly mar the furniture by refusing to use coasters, what are you doing?
Boys: Killing the baby.
Lois: Killing the baby. Every time you run through the house, every time you destroy furniture, every time you fight with each other, you are killing the baby.
Hal: Lois, the doctor just said you should avoid stress.
Lois: Which is just medical jargon for the simple fact that every time you boys misbehave, you might as well be taking a knife and putting it in that baby's tiny little heart.
Malcolm: Will you stop saying that?
Lois: I just hope you boys have the character to channel the horrible guilt you should be feeling Into better behavior while I'm gone.
Boys: We're sorry.