Reese: I have good news. You know how everybody's been so depressed around here lately? Well, I was thinking. What could I do to cheer everyone up? And then it hit me. It was the most obvious thing in the world. I bought us an above-ground swimming pool. And the best part is you don't have to pay for it for six months. It's a raft with cup holders. They're setting the pool up right now. Oh, and don't just thank me. Dewey was in on it, too.
Dewey: He's lying!
Reese: Huh? Wh- What's going on?
Malcolm: Mom's pregnant.
Reese: What?! You can't do that! Do you know how dangerous it is to have a baby and a pool?

Francis: I can't believe what I'm hearing! Are you insane or just evil?
Ida: Aah! Wolves should rip out your throat!
Francis: What kind of a complete idiot butters their toast like that?! Everybody knows it's inside to outside!
Ida: Come talk to me of toast when you grow some hair in your pants. Stupid animal thinks he knows about toast.
Lois: Mom, would you please pass the potatoes?
Ida: I think you've had more than enough potatoes. Does the chair have to break before you stop eating?

Lois: What are we going to do? We're in debt up to our eyeballs as it is.
Hal: [sighs] Well, we're just going to have to cut back. No more vacations. Stop going out to fancy restaurants for birthdays. And, you know, it wouldn't kill us to stop wearing designer labels.
Lois: Hal, whose life are you leading? We don't do any of that stuff. We can't afford this baby. Where's he going to sleep? We're not even going to be able to feed him after my mother gets finished with us. Oh, God, this is so unfair.
Hal: Honey, relax. Here's what we're going to do. First, I'm going to go out and get you some mint chocolate chip ice cream. [Lois chuckles] Now, that always helps. And then we're just going to sit down and figure this all out, hmm? Hey, everything is going to be okay, hmm? We'll find a way. We always do. Promise.
[Hal walks out of the house and gets into his car:]
Hal: [bawling] Oh, no! Why me?! [Malcolm is in the backseat] No. Why?! Why?! Why?! Why, why, why, why?! [screaming, crying] Why?! [screaming] Oh, why?!