Lois: A peptic ulcer? How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer? The doctor said you have the stomach lining of a 60-year-old air traffic controller. You are a teenager, for God's sake. What do you have to be stressed about?!
Malcolm: For your information, I just spent the past three hours on a gurney next to a guy who is still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck. And the jackass who put in this I.V. couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flashlight! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy. There's only one channel on the TV. And what's this about a bedpan?!

Lois: You know, you're not finished till you put those away and wipe down the counters.
Malcolm: [inner monologue] Why don't I buff the floor and lick your shoes while I'm at it?! [out loud] Yes, ma'am.
Lois: Look at me. Are you on drugs?
Malcolm: What?
Lois: You've been acting really strange lately, and I want to know what's going on.
Malcolm: [inner monologue] Well, apparently no one in this house can tolerate it when someone's actually being pleasant! [out loud] Nothing.
Lois: Nothing? So, everything's fine, everything's normal, you're not acting any different, and I'm just crazy.
Malcolm: [inner monologue] She's begging for it! Nail her! [out loud] I'm fine, really.
Lois: Well, you're looking a little tired. Why don't you let me finish up?
Malcolm: All right.

Hal: "...and everyone but the rabbit lived happily ever after." And the moral of that fable, son, is that turtles are pathological liars who won't give you their gold.
Dewey: Got it.
[Hal is mesmerized as he sees a power walking team pass through the park]
Dewey: Dad?
Hal: It's like watching the gods return to Olympus.