Dewey: [to himself] I also think we should we have meat loaf on Mondays and not on Tuesdays so we can have an extra day of meat loaf sandwiches. I also think the table should be in front of the TV and the couch should be in front of the refrigerator. I also think there should be hand-me-ups instead of hand-me-downs, I think kids should be able to steer, and I think school should be only four hours a day and should be held on top of the building. I also think...

Malcolm: Mom, you have to talk to this lady. She won't let me return this book.
Lois: Oh, my God. What did you do to your pants?
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Oh, for crying out loud. How did you get a stain there already?
Malcolm: Mom, come on.
Lois: It wasn't there this morning.
Malcolm: Mom, stop. It's no big deal.
Lois: No big deal? You begged me for these pants. You almost started crying in the store when I wasn't going to buy them for you, and now look what you did to them. That looks like that's coming from the inside.
Malcolm: Mom, leave me alone. You're embarrassing me.
Lois: Oh, I am not embarrassing you. [to another boy] Would you be embarrassed by this? [he shakes his head] No. See? Come on. See if we can find some club soda and get that out.
Stevie: Justice... is swift.

Mr. Herkabe: Ah, the golden boy has returned. Release the doves.
Malcolm: Hi, Mr. Herkabe.
Mr. Herkabe: And you must be Reese. I have been thoroughly briefed on you, and if you do one thing wrong, I'm going to go medieval on your permanent record.
Reese: Ask yourself, whatever happened to the old dean of discipline?