Francis: Oh, my god, you're crazy! I just thought you were evil, but you are nuts!
Ida: What are you talking about?
Francis: Grandma, gifts aren't conditional. They're gifts. You give them to people because you love them! They're not something you can take away because of some petty slight! You're not teaching people anything You haven't got back at them. They don't even know they've upset you! All you've done here is... is constructed a monument to your own insanity! What kind of a person does that?
Ida: A lonely, bitter, old woman.
Francis: What?
Ida: [sighs] Look what I've done. What use is all this things to me now? They could have brought someone some happiness. Instead they rot here. Oh.
Francis: Grandma?
Ida: My hea- My heart. I think it's... melting. Yes, it's melting. Oh. You've shown me the way, Francis, by yelling at me. Quick. Go get my magic sled and me and my reindeers will go and give Christmas to all the mean, stupid, rude people! We'll all join hands and sing songs and we'll sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust!

[After Francis repeatedly opens the Christmas card so "Jingle Bells" plays, Ida snaps and stabs him in the thigh with her knitting needle]
Francis: Ow! God, what the hell's wrong with you?!
Ida: You like pushing me? That's what happens when you push me, tough guy!
Francis: Can't you do the entire family a favor and just die! All you have ever done is treat us like dirt. You shouldn't even be allowed to be a Grandma!
Ida: Are you finished?
Francis: Yes, I am- [Ida pokes Francis's wound] Argh, God!
Ida: Oh, I am so sorry! I should've kissed your boo-boos and made 'em better. I was supposed to tell the bad little boy stories and bake you giant sugar cookies and knit you fluffy sweaters, I should have carried you and held you, and told you how much I loved your diapers.
Francis: Why don't you just unhinge your jaw and finish me off?
Ida: After Magnum P.I.

Francis: Well, look at that. 8pm already. Way past bedtime. Where do I sleep?
Ida: You're sittin' on it.
Francis: Does it turn into a bed?
Ida: Yes, it becomes a bed. It's a special magic sofa. It opens up for magic lazy boy. And the angels come and feed you grapes and sing to you while you sleep. And it flies around the room granting wishes for boys what are stupid.
Francis: Alright, it doesn't fold out.