Malcolm Quote #134
Malcolm: [to camera] As near as I can figure, my school was created for the sole purpose of making me miserable. Today in Krelboyne class, we start Medieval Week.
Lois: Where's your jester costume?
Malcolm: In my backpack. I'll wear it at school.
Lois: Put it on. I didn't stay up all night making it for my health. [Malcolm puts jester hat on] Bells! Oh, I forgot the bells.
Reese: You look so adorable. You know what I love about Medieval Week? Is that you can spot the Krelboynes from super far away, and they jingle when you hit them.
Hal: Reese. Leave your brother alone. [sees Malcolm] Although you are asking for it.
More Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
Quote from Reese
Malcolm: What happened? Did you get caught? Where were you?
Reese: Geez. You're always so angry. Maybe you really do need therapy.
Malcolm: What I need is for you not to ruin everything for me. Do you know how much trouble we'll be in if we get caught? With Mom? With the school? With Mom?
Reese: Give me a little credit, psycho. I've been doing my own research. See, I rented Silence of the Lambs, Seven, and The Nutty Professor.
Malcolm: Oh, God. Reese, tell me exactly what you told her.
Reese: Nope. That's confidential. Now, which one do you like more? [holds up masks] Hannibal Lecter or the hockey mask? [When Lois taps on the boys' bedroom door, Ms. Gilbert is standing next to her]
Lois: Malcolm, Reese. What do you have to say for yourselves?
Reese: [deep voice] Don't blame Reese. Blame Davey. [Lois grabs Reese's finger] Ow! Ow, ow. Ow!
Quote from Reese
Reese: You missed a great assembly. I can't believe it. They actually gave us fruit to throw at the Krelboynes. What were they thinking?
Malcolm: Don't you ever get tired of making their lives miserable?
Reese: Nope. Besides, I want them to remember who's boss. When they're living in their mansions with their supermodel wives, they're going to know... the guy cleaning their pool kicked their ass.
Quote from Dirty Magazine
Principal Block: What the hell is this?
Malcolm: It's "Car Crash." It's a story for the literary magazine.
Principal Block: It's pornography.
Malcolm: How is it pornography?
Principal Block: "The construction worker yelled out, '[bleep] my [bleep]'." "[bleep] my [bleep]"?!
Malcolm: It's supposed to be offensive. That's the whole point of the story. It's a literary device.
Principal Block: There's nothing literary about "[bleep] my [bleep]"! Parents don't want their children reading "[bleep] my [bleep]". This school district has a zero tolerance policy on "[bleep] my [bleep]"! Our forefathers did not lay down their lives on San Juan Hill for "[bleep] my [bleep]"! Now, you either kill this story or replace all the dirty words with asterisks.
Malcolm: That's just stupid. What's the point of bleeping out words? Everyone knows what they are anyway.
Quote from Malcolm Holds His Tongue
Lois: A peptic ulcer? How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer? The doctor said you have the stomach lining of a 60-year-old air traffic controller. You are a teenager, for God's sake. What do you have to be stressed about?!
Malcolm: For your information, I just spent the past three hours on a gurney next to a guy who is still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck. And the jackass who put in this I.V. couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flashlight! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy. There's only one channel on the TV. And what's this about a bedpan?!