Francis Quote #60
Francis: Sugar, corn syrup and gelatine. How can something so simple be so delicious?
Joe: That stuff's nasty, Francis.
Francis: To the unsophisticated palate, yes. But to me, the candy quack is nature's perfect food. I think I can eat a hundred of them.
Joe: No way. All that marshmallow would expand in your stomach. You wouldn't even get past 50.
Francis: OK, that's where you're wrong, Joe. See the marshmallow wouldn't expand. It would dissolve. I'd never get full. In fact, I don't think-
Eric: Will you just shut up! I have sat back and said nothing while you've gone on and on about how you can eat a hundred of this and lift a hundred of that. The quacks would expand. You're an idiot if you think different.
Francis: OK, let me tell you something. If I say I can eat a hundred quacks, you can take that as a bona fide guarantee. And there's no need to resort to personal attacks. Because I'd hate to raise the whole issue of you wearing boxers in the shower.
Quote from Dewey
Dewey: And then the ambulance came, but there was this balloon. And then I was chasing it. And then I didn't know where I was. And then I chased a bag. And then I really didn't know where I was. Then I saw you, and I thought maybe you could help me. [Dewey is talking to a scarecrow] Because you've helped that other girl, the one in the movie. So if you could just come to life and help me, I'd really appreciate it. [silence] Thanks anyway.
Quote from Dewey
Dewey: A...B...C...D... A...B...C...D... A...B...C...D...
Farmer Woman: It's a good thing I found you. It's not very safe for little boy like you to be all by yourself.
Farmer Woman: Oh, don't you worry I'm gonna get you back home to your parents. They must be worried sick.
Dewey: A...B...C...D... A...B...C...D...
Farmer Woman: It's "E", dear. A...B...C...D...E... E.
Dewey: I know. A...B...C...D... A...B...C...D...
Quote from The Grandparents
Malcolm: [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: Malcolm, listen, I need to know what Mom used to put in the hot tea when we were sick. Is she around?
Malcolm: I think she's changing the sheets on their bed. Grandma and Grandpa are here.
Francis: Oh, you're kidding. So, did they knock, or did you just hear their cloven hooves clatter up the driveway?
Malcolm: I can't be sure, but I think Grandpa spit at me.
Francis: Look, don't take it personally. They're primeval creatures with tiny little hearts.
Malcolm: Yeah, but there must be some reason...
Francis: Malcolm, they have stupid lizard brains. They're threatened by anyone with an ounce of ambition or intelligence. They'd eat you if they had better teeth.
Quote from Hal's Christmas Gift
Hal: [quietly] I need to borrow $1,800. I'll pay you back over the next six years in monthly payments of $39.50. I have no money to give these boys a Christmas gift and I'm not even sure where I'm driving. I hate to ask you, but I don't know what else to do. I love you.
Francis: Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you... I got fired from my job. I'm totally broke.
Hal: What? You got fired from the ranch?
Francis: It turns out the ATM I was making all of Otto's deposits into wasn't an ATM. So sue me, right? Anyway, he's suing me. I don't know what we're going to do.
Lois: You're not moving back in! There isn't room enough in the house! Besides, Piama doesn't want to live with us.
Francis: Piama doesn't even know about it. She thinks I'm on vacation. I've been acting like the happiest man in the world the last few weeks just to hide it from her.
Hal: I have to say, I am a little disappointed in you, Francis. You can't hide something like this from the ones you love. Honesty is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.
Francis: Well, I'm sorry I can't help you.