Hal Quote #763
Malcolm: Dad, you don't believe in ghosts, do you?
Hal: Malcolm, please.
Malcolm: Do you?
Hal: Do you mean do I believe in dead people floating around, saying, "Ooooh!" Of course not. [chuckles] But, I mean, an energy, a life force, a soul that, upon death, separates from the body and inhabits another plane, crying out to the living in a horrific wail of unbearable pain? Oh, absolutely.
Hal: You, yourself, told me that string theory says there are 11 different dimensions occupying the same space.
Hal: So, who's to say we can't be affected by things we don't see? What science calls wormholes is actually matter and energy, mixed together... [Jamie returns home alone] All of which points to one stubborn, undeniable fact that we are living in a known portal for evil. And now that we know it, and it knows we know it, of course it would come back to kill us! And of course it would come back tonight! You don't have much to say when your science comes back at you, do you? [clattering] Honey? Reese? Dewey? Burglar? [Jamie crawls into the vent] Was that or was that not the sound of someone looking for his head?!
Quote from Craig
Lois: Hey, hey, hey! What are these?
Karl: I must've knocked those in my pocket accidentally.
Lois: No, I saw you put them in your pocket. Craig, you saw him, too, didn't you?
Craig: Oh, sorry. The patch is over my good eye.
Lois: Well, I'm already into my break. You handle this, Craig, so I can get going.
Craig: Sure, no problem. [winks]
Lois: Did you just wink at him?
Craig: Oh, you were serious.
Lois: Craig, he committed a crime.
Craig: Sure, that's one side of it. But if he didn't steal from us, he'd just be stealing from somewhere else, and then we'd be losing a customer. Do you want to be responsible for that?
Quote from Lois
Lois: All right, you know the plan. You two are taking Jamie. No eggs, no stink bombs, no matches, no catapults, no Mace.
Lois: No explosives.
Reese: Of course not.
Lois: No water balloons, no spray paint, no gasoline, no shaving cream, no toilet paper.
Reese: Wouldn't even think of it.
Lois: No ladder, no compressor, no soup.
Reese: You told her!
Dewey: I did not!
Lois: All right. I know your route. I will catch up with you when I take my break, to see how adorable and safe Jamie is.
Reese: So, um, any idea when that might be?
Lois: You don't need to know when. All you need to know is if you even think about doing anything stupid, I will swoop down out of the sky and land on you like a ton of bricks.
Dewey: So, the usual.
Quote from Hal
Hal: Lois, can I talk to you for a moment? You knew we were buying a death house, and you didn't tell me?!
Lois: I didn't tell you because I knew you'd have this reaction.
Hal: Well, of course I'd have this reaction. I don't like murder. Maybe that's something you should know about me.
Lois: Hal, it's always something with you. You passed on that one house because you thought the doorbell sounded gay. You can't have a perfect house.
Hal: It would be nice to have a murderless one.
Lois: Well, you should just drop it because there's nothing we can do about it. Death and mold are two things you can expect to find in any house, and we are not moving!
Hal: There's mold?!
Quote from Blackout
Hal: I have Kobe beef.
Reese: No way.
Reese: That's like $60 an ounce.
Hal: I know. I won it in a Minesweeper tournament at work. Years of practicing eight hours a day has finally paid off.
Quote from Malcolm Babysits
Hal: Hi, son. Didn't hear you drive up.
Malcolm: I decided to walk.
Hal: So, how's the job going?
Malcolm: They were jerks, so I quit.
Hal: Well, that's pretty much what work is. Welcome to the club.
Quote from Buseys Run Away
Lois: Why are you pacing?
Hal: Let me ask you something, Lois. What would you do if, hypothetically, through a series of unforeseeable circumstances, you found yourself commanding an army of benevolent strongmen?
Hal: Picture it. A dozen guys, any one of them can rip a horse in half, willing to follow your every command. Well, you'd have to do something really great with that. Something noble and unselfish, but not too expensive. And we are not even taking into account that I could easily be led to the dark side. Lois, you have to promise me, if you ever see me holding a cat and laughing maniacally over a globe, you need to let me know.