TV Quotes

Malcolm: This football player wants to use an essay I wrote for his college application and pretend it's his own. I know it's dishonest, but I might be making too much of it. I wanted to get your advice.
Lois: You're hoping I can help you.
Malcolm: Yeah, I just said that. So, I don't think he should get into college under false pretenses, but are they really false pretenses if nobody thinks he's smart anyway? I don't want to be a part of his cheating, but I also don't want to take away his shot at going to college. I just don't know what to do.
Lois: You're uncertain... what action to take.
Malcolm: Yes! Why are you talking like a robot?
Lois: You want to know why I'm... talking like a robot.
Malcolm: I have a problem, and I need your help! All you're doing is mindlessly parroting back what I say!
Lois: You say one thing, and I restate it.
Malcolm: Forget it! If you're not going to help me, you don't have to mock me! [exits]
Lois: [to herself] We do not come from a family of criminals. You do not let him turn in that essay! [sighs] God, I knew listening to our kids would be a mistake.

Francis: You're not going to do anything? You have to go to that apartment and get him back.
Hal: Look, that's not how it works.
Francis: Oh, I know how it works. I was thrown into military school so fast, I still had shampoo in my hair. The minute a child is inconvenient to you, you kick him out.
Lois: Francis, this is really none of your business. You don't even live here anymore.
Francis: Because you kicked me out! And now you're doing the same thing to Reese. Right now he's sitting in that apartment with his cable TV and his huge stack of video games... miserable.
Hal: If Reese is unhappy, he brought it on himself.
Francis: Really? So what's this? Like the tenth time he's "brought it on himself"? And let's see, Malcolm's "brought it on himself" six times, so with my 28 times, that makes... 40 kick-outs, three different kids, and the only constant through all of this is you two.
Lois: Francis, that is not fair.
Francis: Maybe you just don't like sharing your house with your children. So when's Dewey going to "bring it on himself"? When's Jamie? Where is Jamie?
Lois: He's at the babysitter's.
Hal: Just till 5:00.

Lois: That doesn't matter. What does matter is you'll be the only person in that position who will ever give a crap about people like us. We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years, and I, for one, am sick of it. Now, you are going to be president, mister, and that's the end of it.
Malcolm: Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and then bought my way into being president?
Lois: Of course it did. We decided against it.
Malcolm: What?!
Lois: Because then you wouldn't be a good president. You wouldn't have suffered enough.
Malcolm: I've been suffering all my life.
Lois: I'm sorry, it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor, and you know what it's like to work hard. Now you're going to learn what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you. And it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you. And you will want so much for them to like you, and they just won't. And it'll break your heart. And that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes and finally you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world. I'm sorry, Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path. You don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.
Hal: That's Dewey.
Dewey: Really?
Malcolm: This is unbelievable. You actually expect me to be president. No, no, I'm sorry. You expect me to be one of the greatest presidents in the history of the United States.
Lois: You look me in the eye and you tell me you can't do it.

Malcolm: You know what? I'm glad! This is appropriate. Now my life looks exactly how I feel. How could you screw me over like that?
Lois: Because you were going to take that job, and we are not going to let you throw your life away.
Malcolm: How is being rich throwing my life away?!
Lois: Because it's not the life you're supposed to have! The life you're supposed to have is you go to Harvard, and you earn every fellowship and internship they have. You graduate first in your class, and you start working in public service, either district attorney or running some foundation, and then you become governor of a mid-sized state, and then you become president.
Malcolm: What?!
Lois: Of the United States.
Malcolm: Dad?
Hal: I'm sorry, son. It's true.
Francis: I thought you knew.
Hal: Our expectations started out much smaller, but you just kept upping the ante.