Francis: You're not going to do anything? You have to go to that apartment and get him back.
Hal: Look, that's not how it works.
Francis: Oh, I know how it works. I was thrown into military school so fast, I still had shampoo in my hair. The minute a child is inconvenient to you, you kick him out.
Lois: Francis, this is really none of your business. You don't even live here anymore.
Francis: Because you kicked me out! And now you're doing the same thing to Reese. Right now he's sitting in that apartment with his cable TV and his huge stack of video games... miserable.
Hal: If Reese is unhappy, he brought it on himself.
Francis: Really? So what's this? Like the tenth time he's "brought it on himself"? And let's see, Malcolm's "brought it on himself" six times, so with my 28 times, that makes... 40 kick-outs, three different kids, and the only constant through all of this is you two.
Lois: Francis, that is not fair.
Francis: Maybe you just don't like sharing your house with your children. So when's Dewey going to "bring it on himself"? When's Jamie? Where is Jamie?
Lois: He's at the babysitter's.
Hal: Just till 5:00.

Malcolm: This football player wants to use an essay I wrote for his college application and pretend it's his own. I know it's dishonest, but I might be making too much of it. I wanted to get your advice.
Lois: You're hoping I can help you.
Malcolm: Yeah, I just said that. So, I don't think he should get into college under false pretenses, but are they really false pretenses if nobody thinks he's smart anyway? I don't want to be a part of his cheating, but I also don't want to take away his shot at going to college. I just don't know what to do.
Lois: You're uncertain... what action to take.
Malcolm: Yes! Why are you talking like a robot?
Lois: You want to know why I'm... talking like a robot.
Malcolm: I have a problem, and I need your help! All you're doing is mindlessly parroting back what I say!
Lois: You say one thing, and I restate it.
Malcolm: Forget it! If you're not going to help me, you don't have to mock me! [exits]
Lois: [to herself] We do not come from a family of criminals. You do not let him turn in that essay! [sighs] God, I knew listening to our kids would be a mistake.

Hal: Hi, honey.
Lois: I'm going to need you to be calm.
Hal: Aw, geez. Which kid is it?
Lois: I'm not going to tell you. You're not calm enough yet.
Hal: Reese. Okay, deep breath. What'd he do?
Lois: All right. Reese...
[later:]
Hal: That... glubber...! That... sniggit...! I'm gonna... [indiscernible]
Lois: Honey, do you want some tea or a drink?