Reese: I'm sorry, Malcolm. I'm already committed to this party.
Malcolm: Reese, you've seen enough teenage movies to know how badly this is going to turn out.
Reese: I haven't just seen them, I've studied them. And I found the fatal flaw. In very one of those movies, the party was on a Saturday night. Mine? Friday. This gives me an extra day to refill the pool, replace the crystal thing, turn back the odometer, and get the dead bodies back in the ground.
Malcolm: Please don't do this to me.
Reese: Tell you what, Malcolm. I'll try and keep the front room closet off limits as long as I can.

Lois: Hal, you sat with an ice pack on your crotch for three days.
Hal: Well, that should count for something.
Lois: Hal, we talked about this. We agreed on this.
Hal: No, you agreed on it! I never wanted a vasectomy. There are plenty of other methods out there.
Lois: Oh, yeah, they work. We've got our rhythm method child, our diaphragm child, our condom child. Oh, yes, and our two abstinence children.
Hal: Lois, you just don't understand how extraordinarily precious those parts are to me.
Lois: Precious?! Hal, give me a break. You're not that guy. You've never been that guy.
Hal: When it comes to this, every guy is that guy.

Craig: Well, little man, you and I have quite the fun-filled weekend ahead of us. Tomorrow morning, there's jazz at the Farmer's Market. Then Lifetime is having an Intimate Portrait of Sandy Bullock. And tomorrow night, there's improv in the park with a political bent. Sound fun?