Hal: [admiring whistle] Nice place you got here.
Attendant: Thank you, sir. I like to, uh, create an atmosphere. Did you enjoy your meal, sir?
Hal: Well... if you can call four olives, two onions and a whole lot of alcohol a meal, then, yes.
Attendant: Very good, sir.
Hal: Uh... What have you got in the cologne department?
Attendant: Um, were you looking for anything in particular?
Hal: Well, I've been thinking about a signature scent. You see, I'd like to leave a room and have people say, "Boy, it smells like Hal in here"... but in a nice way.
Attendant: Right. Yeah. Uh, let's see... You... You strike me as a sandalwood.
Hal: Sandalwood, huh? Sandalwood. Let's give it a smell-see, shall we? Huh? Yes. That's quite nice. Hit me. Here we go. [chuckles] Oh, that's that is quite nice. Ooh! You do a service to your craft, sir. [to another customer leaving the bathroom] This man is a genius. [man exits] Snooty bastard. You'd think this place would be the great equalizer, huh? You know, even a king looks like a fool when he's answering nature's call. Am I right? Of course I'm right. Well... It's been a pleasure. [holds hand out] Oh. Sorry. Have a good evening.
Attendant: Uh, sir.
Hal: Yes?
Attendant: Thank you for making eye contact with me.

Hal: Franklin, I'm ready to order.
Franklin: Are you sure, sir?
Hal: Mm-hmm. You see, in our family we have a saying. "After an hour, eat without her. If it's any longer, something's wronger."
Franklin: Very catchy, sir.
Hal: Well, when life gives you lemons make lemonade, Franklin. Do you have any lemonade?
Franklin: No, sir.
Hal: Oh. Do you have lemons?
Franklin: Yes, sir.
Hal: Well, throw one in another martini and let's hear those specials.

Lois: What'd you do?
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Don't give me that. What'd you do?
Reese: Nothing.
Malcolm: Mom, I'm trying to study.
Lois: Oh. I'm sure you don't mind if I, uh... [opens drawer] took a look in here!
Malcolm: Mom, I'm telling you. We didn't do anything.
Lois: Oh, you boys are up to something. I can smell it. If you've broken another window, it is going to come out of your- [opens curtains]
Reese: Are you done? You want to frisk me?
Lois: You just consider yourselves lucky this time.
[As Lois walks out of the boys' room and closes the door behind her, Dewey is tied up and hanging from the coat rack. A moment later, Lois opens the door and takes another look around the room before closing it again.]
Dewey: That was close.
Malcolm: Either she's losing her touch, or we're getting better.