Lois Quote #5
Lois: [opens door] Yes. Can I help you?
Craig: Oh. My good- Um, hi. Hel- Hello. I'm. I'm Caroline Miller from Malcolm's school. I... sent you some letters and left some messages on your answering machine.
Lois: Okay, fine. You caught me. What do you want?
Caroline: Um... Well, it's been three weeks and you haven't responded and it's really important... I mean, well, for Malcolm's sake that the parents be as involved in...
Lois: So, what, you're here to insult my parenting skills?
Caroline: No. I'm sure you're a terrific parent. [boys scream] I'm here because I think that there is a tremendous opportunity for... Could you, you know, maybe put a top on?
Lois: They're just boobs, lady. You see them in the mirror every morning. And I'm sure yours are a lot nicer than mine.
Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
‘Pilot’ Quotes
Quote from Lois
Lois: You listen to me, young man. That one lunch obviously meant a lot to Stevie. He's a human being with human feelings. Now, you are going to be friends with that crippled boy and you are going to like it. Understood?
Malcolm: Yes, ma'am. Understood. [to camera] If I give up now, I won't get the lecture.
Lois: You kids...
Malcolm: Dang.
Lois: You just take your legs for granted like nothing could ever happen to them. Well, let me tell you something, that is just wishful thinking. There's meningitis. There are car accidents. I could be giving you a spanking and accidentally snap your spinal cord. Every day is a lottery and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands. You think about that.
Dewey: I don't take my legs for granted, Mom.
Lois: I know, honey. You're a good boy. Stop playing with yourself.
Quote from Malcolm
Caroline: Hi. I'm Caroline. Want to have a seat? Are you Malcolm?
Malcolm: Yes, and I didn't do anything.
Caroline: You're not in trouble, Malcolm. You're here 'cause some of your teachers think you're, um... You know what? I just want to play some games with you, okay? Puzzles, stuff like that.
Malcolm: Why?
Caroline: Boy, oh, boy, you are a suspicious little dickens, aren't you? Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds and I want you to tell me everything that's wrong with it, okay?
Malcolm: The man only has four fingers.
Caroline: Right, but this time I want you to take your time and really look... [starts stopwatch]
Malcolm: The car shadow's going the wrong way, the steering wheel's on the wrong side, there's no brake pedal, the words in the mirror should be backwards, the guy's watch wouldn't say 12:00 if he's looking at a sunset and I have red paint on my ass. That's right. Red paint all over my ass! [Caroline stops stopwatch]
Quote from Stevie
Malcolm: These are good cookies.
Stevie: Yeah... they're good.
Malcolm: So what can you do? I mean, what do you want to do?
Stevie: I know... a joke.
Malcolm: Yeah? Okay.
Stevie: A guy... goes into... a bar... and he... has a... frog... on... his...
Malcolm: Frog on his head.
Stevie: And the... bartender... Wait, I screwed up. A frog... goes into... a bar.