Lois: There's this stupid bike-a-thon at work. Some idiot made a big stink about how the store's not doing enough for charity.
Reese: Then don't do it.
Lois: I have to. I'm the idiot. And I... I... I... can't ride a bike. And it's very embarrassing.
Reese: So you really can't ride a bike?
Lois: No.
Reese: Hey, everybody! My mom can't- [Lois tackles Reese and holds his head to the ground]
Lois: You don't understand! My father didn't believe in training wheels!
Reese: Mom!
Lois: He just tied me to the bike and pushed me down the hill.
Reese: Mom, there's glass down here!
Lois: I came back with three teeth in my hand, and he just pushed me down all over again. After that, I just told people I knew how to ride. And I've been living with this lie ever since!
Reese: Mom!
Lois: If you tell anybody, I will kill you! Do you hear me?

Malcolm: Wow, and I thought Reese was the one dragging us down.
Dewey: Maybe we should see how he's doing with his squirrel.
Malcolm: If I know Reese, all the good parts are gone by now. Nothing exciting ever happens around here.
[A mattress falls from the sky and lands in the middle of the road]
Dewey: Wow. We even have boring miracles.
Malcolm: It must have fallen from a plane or something.
Dewey: Wow, this is brand-new. At least what I think a mattress would look like new. It's got no lumps.
Malcolm: No weird stains.
Dewey: No springs sticking out of it.
Both: It's got tags! [both sit down]
Dewey: It's like sitting on a cloud with two clouds under it.
Malcolm: This is amazing. I'm in ass heaven.
Dewey: Maybe it's worth some money.
Malcolm: Sell it or keep it? Let's think about this for a second. [both lay back]

Lois: Hal, you have an infection. You have to see a dentist.
Hal: I made an appointment with Dr. Voorhees tomorrow.
Lois: Isn't that the guy we took Dewey's hamster to?
Hal: He's a doctor. If he isn't in the society pages, then you're not impressed, huh, Lois?