Lois Quote #658
Quote from Lois in Bride of Ida
Male TSA Agent: Ma'am, step over here, please.
Lois: [sighs] I know what it is. It's the underwire on my bra. It always sets these things off.
Male TSA Agent: You seem to have something under your shirt.
Lois: Yes, as I said, I have a bra on under my shirt, and there is an underwire in my bra.
Male TSA Agent: [over radio] Code 25.
Lois: I can't believe this is the first underwire to come through this place. Surely you people have encountered bras before. This is punishment for what I said about the first-class line, isn't it?
Female TSA Agent: Ma'am, I need to touch your breasts.
Lois: You need to touch my what?!
Female TSA Agent: I'm required to probe with the back of my hand. If you like, you can request up to two female witnesses.
Lois: Let me understand this. Because I made a comment about first class, I am being singled out for a public feel-up?
Dewey: Oh for God's sake, Mom, just let her touch your boobs!
Male TSA Agent: The kid makes a lot of sense, ma'am. Now, do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way?
Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
‘Bride of Ida’ Quotes
Quote from Malcolm
Reese: Grandma, Malcolm doesn't want to play anymore. So I guess I win by forfeit.
Ida: What?! You cannot become a man by forfeit. You must go through all the trials. You must win every one.
Reese: But they're your rules. Can't you just change them?
Ida: These are not my rules. These are the ways of our people. The ways cannot die.
Malcolm: Yes, they can. They should. They should be murdered and mashed up and dumped down a salt mine along with nuclear waste and left there to fester and rot in a toxic pool of its own filth!
Ida: Your pretty words don't hide your fear.
Malcolm: What?!
Ida: You are afraid of the next trial because it is a test of intelligence. You are afraid to find out who is really the smart one in the family. He goes around with his nose in a book, sucking in facts. He doesn't have what we have. You and I have street smarts.
Malcolm: Oh, here we go. Every moron who's willing to act like a criminal is loaded with street smarts. Well, let me tell you something, Grandma, you're either smart or you're not. Saying you have street smarts just means you're willing to do things that smart, sensitive people are too decent to do. That's not a sign of intelligence. [Ida is silent] It's not. It's not!
Quote from Lois
Reese: What's Grandma doing here?!
Malcolm: You never said Grandma was coming!
Lois: Oh, I didn't? Ah, well, then, it's just a nice surprise for you boys. Remember last month when you came in after curfew and you said, "What are you going to do about it?" Sorry it took me so long to get back to you.
Quote from Malcolm
Ida: This is the final test. The game of Vishnok will show us who has the brains around here.
Reese: Grandma, how do we play?
Ida: Shh! You will listen! The rabbits run to their lair. The moon embraces you. The horse turns to lead. The apple holds the key. You have two minutes.
Reese: What are we doing?
Malcolm: I don't know. Did you feel this?
Reese: What?
[As Reese sticks his hands through the two holes in the board, the holes tighten around his arms]
Malcolm: The rabbits run to their lair.
[As Reese's head is pulled down towards the board, the wooden "moon" extends behind his neck.]
Malcolm: The moon embraces you. The horse turns to lead.
[Malcolm hooks Reese's nose with the horse figure. As Reese screams, Malcolm sticks the apple in his mouth. Malcolm then pushes down on Reese's head, forcing him to bite into the apple and reveal the key]
Malcolm: The apple holds the key. Ha! I beat him! It's over! [Ida mutters in Russian] The marriage is off. After 2,000 years your ways are dead.
Ida: I am content the ways have been followed.
Malcolm: What?! No. No, you don't get to pretend you're okay with this. I never followed your ways. Well, I did, but it was for a different reason...