Lois: So, you're a platoon leader. It's nice the army let women have some authority once in a while.
Abby: Yes, ma'am, although it does feel a little weird to give orders to men.
Lois: Well, it shouldn't. Men are like dogs: it calms them down when they know their boundaries.

Dewey: I sold those comics you gave me. Turns out they're pretty crappy.
Malcolm: Dewey, we're done with this.
Dewey: In fact, Captain Danger #243 even had a misprint. Funny how people in the comic world are very interested in misprints. Especially when there's only five such copies in existence, and Quentin Tarantino has the other four.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Dewey: Is it hot in here, or is just money?
Malcolm: Oh, my God, this is fantastic! Who knew we were sitting on such a gold mine here?
Dewey: We? I don't think so.
Malcolm: Dewey, you didn't think the whole garbage thing was for real, did you?
Dewey: You told me I should be happy with what you gave me, and I have to say I am. Here's 20 bucks. Make yourself scarce.
Malcolm: What? This is my room. You can't buy me out of here for 20 bucks.
Dewey: Here's $40.
Malcolm: Forget it! I'm not- Okay. [exits]

Hal: Hi, hon. How was your day?
Lois: It is Big Super Crazy Day at the Lucky Aide. I feel like I have been hit by a truck.
Hal: Oh, here's your herbal tea.
Lois: [sighs] The thing is absolutely nothing is on sale. They take all the stuff off the shelves, dump it in the bins and the people go nuts. I dropped my car keys in one of 'em. I had to wrestle a woman for 20 minutes to get 'em back. [Hal massages Lois's temples] Oh, God, my neck is killing me.
Hal: Got it. [grabs hot towel from microwave]
Lois: Then this 90-year-old man with glaucoma comes in. He wants to pay for his toiletries with a bag full of pennies.
Hal: Feet up.
Lois: We finally settled on five dollars, six buttons and a run-over bottle cap.
Hal: Feet down. [Lois puts her feet in a foot bath]
Lois: I swear, Hal, I could hardly stand up through my shift. I'm afraid I'm going to have to break down and buy those custom orthotics for my shoes. Dr. Fletcher said I've got the pronation of a circus clown.
Hal: Well, if you need 'em, you need 'em. That's all there is to it. That right heel looks like it could use some pumice.
Lois: Hal, what would I do without you? I swear I couldn't make it through the day if you weren't here to pick up the pieces and put me back together again.
Hal: Oh, nonsense, honey. I'm only doing what any husband would do. Any husband who cares. There. Back in. Now if you'll lean forward, I'll get that spot between your shoulder blades.
Lois: Actually, that's the one part of me that doesn't hurt today.
Hal: Really? Did I mention the washer is out again? [Lois groans] I got it.