Malcolm Quote #685
Hal: Shouldn't you be in bed?
Malcolm: I got sick of lying there, so I thought I'd look on the Internet for stuff about the murders. I got police reports, crime photos, newspaper articles... There's a ton of stuff.
Malcolm: The guy's name was Gareth Stringer. Normal guy, Scout master, everybody loved him. So, one day, out of nowhere, he comes home from work and murders his entire family. They say he lived here with five headless bodies for a week before he finally killed himself.
Hal: For a whole week, huh?
Malcolm: That's where the wife's body was found. [Hal whimpers and moves] He put all the tongues in a pile right there. [Hal moves every time Malcolm points to another location] So I guess that must have been skin wall. And that was hair corner. Over there were... finger puppets?! Oh, finger puppets. Wow, the really freaky stuff happened in the kitchen. Oh, and in the bathroom and the bedrooms, too.
Hal: Malcolm, is there any place in this house where bloody pieces of dismembered bodies weren't found?
Malcolm: Well... Yes. Right there.
Hal: Right here?
Malcolm: That's where they all begged for mercy. [Hal whimpers]
Quote from Craig
Lois: Hey, hey, hey! What are these?
Karl: I must've knocked those in my pocket accidentally.
Lois: No, I saw you put them in your pocket. Craig, you saw him, too, didn't you?
Craig: Oh, sorry. The patch is over my good eye.
Lois: Well, I'm already into my break. You handle this, Craig, so I can get going.
Craig: Sure, no problem. [winks]
Lois: Did you just wink at him?
Craig: Oh, you were serious.
Lois: Craig, he committed a crime.
Craig: Sure, that's one side of it. But if he didn't steal from us, he'd just be stealing from somewhere else, and then we'd be losing a customer. Do you want to be responsible for that?
Quote from Lois
Lois: All right, you know the plan. You two are taking Jamie. No eggs, no stink bombs, no matches, no catapults, no Mace.
Lois: No explosives.
Reese: Of course not.
Lois: No water balloons, no spray paint, no gasoline, no shaving cream, no toilet paper.
Reese: Wouldn't even think of it.
Lois: No ladder, no compressor, no soup.
Reese: You told her!
Dewey: I did not!
Lois: All right. I know your route. I will catch up with you when I take my break, to see how adorable and safe Jamie is.
Reese: So, um, any idea when that might be?
Lois: You don't need to know when. All you need to know is if you even think about doing anything stupid, I will swoop down out of the sky and land on you like a ton of bricks.
Dewey: So, the usual.
Quote from Dirty Magazine
Principal Block: What the hell is this?
Malcolm: It's "Car Crash." It's a story for the literary magazine.
Principal Block: It's pornography.
Malcolm: How is it pornography?
Principal Block: "The construction worker yelled out, '[bleep] my [bleep]'." "[bleep] my [bleep]"?!
Malcolm: It's supposed to be offensive. That's the whole point of the story. It's a literary device.
Principal Block: There's nothing literary about "[bleep] my [bleep]"! Parents don't want their children reading "[bleep] my [bleep]". This school district has a zero tolerance policy on "[bleep] my [bleep]"! Our forefathers did not lay down their lives on San Juan Hill for "[bleep] my [bleep]"! Now, you either kill this story or replace all the dirty words with asterisks.
Malcolm: That's just stupid. What's the point of bleeping out words? Everyone knows what they are anyway.
Quote from Malcolm Holds His Tongue
Lois: A peptic ulcer? How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer? The doctor said you have the stomach lining of a 60-year-old air traffic controller. You are a teenager, for God's sake. What do you have to be stressed about?!
Malcolm: For your information, I just spent the past three hours on a gurney next to a guy who is still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck. And the jackass who put in this I.V. couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flashlight! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy. There's only one channel on the TV. And what's this about a bedpan?!