Hal Quote #721

Quote from Hal in Mrs. Tri-County

Hal: You little monsters! You have really done it this time!
Malcolm: Dad, it was a joke. I didn't know Reese was going to mail the stupid thing.
Dewey: We were just goofing around. I can't believe she took it seriously.
Hal: You're right, Dewey. Your mother actually believes her sons love her. What a moron. I've got it. Why don't you just blindfold your mother and throw her down some stairs?! That'd be fun!
Malcolm: We're sorry.
Reese: Yeah.
Hal: Well, it's too late for sorry. Here's what's going to happen. We are all going down to the Civic Center as a family, and you boys are going to do everything in your power to make sure this is the most unhumiliating night of your mother's life.

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 ‘Mrs. Tri-County’ Quotes

Quote from Lois

Phil: Okay, Lois, here's your question if you're ready. "How has motherhood kept you young?"
Lois: ... I'm sorry, but I have a problem with the question. Motherhood definitely does a lot of things, but the one thing it does not do is keep you young. Oh, my God, it ages you horribly. Youth is about having choices, but once you're a mother, you have no choices. You're stuck loving your children. You get gray hair loving them. You lose sleep loving them. You lose out on all those other things that you always thought you'd do. But even with all of that, the amazing thing is... you're okay with it. It's like some wonderful... curse. [Phil chuckles] [applause]
Hal: That was amazing. I don't know where you came up with that crap, but you nailed it.

Quote from Reese

Reese: This judges' manual is unbelievable. It's over 200 pages of these really specific rules on what's attractive and what isn't. There's a whole page on ankle symmetry. And you know what I learned?
Malcolm: What?
Reese: I'm beautiful.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Reese: Everything on my face is the absolute standard of perfection. My lips are exactly twice the length of the distance between my eyes. My philtrum is gracefully tapered. My earlobe is the perfect 1.4 centimetres. And it just goes on and on. You can measure me if you don't believe it.
Malcolm: Are you going to help Mom or not?
Reese: I understand your anger, Malcolm. Unattractive people can become very threatened by this. It's probably why I have so few friends.

Quote from Mr. Herkabe

Mr. Herkabe: You don't pay mileage, I had to park in the structure, and you call this a gift bag? I saw two judges with the mini-lipstick set and the lemon scented moisturizer.
Malcolm: Mr. Herkabe, what are you doing here?
Mr. Herkabe: I happen to be one of the judges. What, may I ask, are you doing here?
Malcolm: You know, curiosity. It's kind of a sociologically interesting-
Mr. Herkabe: My God, your mother's in the pageant.
Malcolm: Well, technically.
Mr. Herkabe: Hmm. And I happen to have certain powers that might influence that outcome. Isn't that interesting?
Malcolm: What?
Mr. Herkabe: I just think that's really interesting. Don't you find it interesting?
Malcolm: Yeah, I guess I'm gonna have to.
Woman: I'm sorry, sir. They were out of the moisturizer, but I found these.
Mr. Herkabe: Fine. I'll take the smoked almonds, the loofah glove- Oh, just give me the whole box.