Hal Quote #679
Hal: What's this? The warranty? Hey, good for you, Chad.
Lois: [enters] Well, I give up. I'm throwing out that blender.
Hal: You don't have to. Look what Chad did.
Chad: Pictures of things belong on the things they're pictures of.
Lois: Check and mate.
[Dewey screams as he sees the photograph of Lois stuck to her back. Hal screams when Lois turns around to face Dewey. Dewey screams again when Lois turns back to Hal.]
Lois: Dewey, what is it? Hal?
[As Hal grabs the photo and hides it behind his back, Chad's parents scream. Lois screams when Hal holds the picture behind his own back.]
Lois: Honey I'm sorry. You were lying there asleep and you just looked so beautiful. And the moment was perfect and I never wanted it to end. And then I saw the camera, and... And I'm weak, Lois. I'm a little man. I know that I can never apologize enough and I'm sure right now you don't even want to look at me. [starts to walk off] Hal. [Hal hands Lois the picture]
Quote from Reese
Malcolm: So where'd you go today?
Reese: Oh, man, it was fantastic. Went down to the pet store, fed a bunch of the pets to the other pets, ended up at the supermarket, where I squeezed all the Wonder Bread into balls till the manager threw me out. I left a little present in his convertible. Well, it was somebody's convertible.
Malcolm: You couldn't have bothered to tell me about Ditch Day?
Reese: There was a ditch day?!
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: No, we can't do this. We can't keep blaming everybody else whenever something like this happens. It can't be an accident that you and I alienate so many people. We're never going to make our lives better if we keep pretending they are the problem.
Reese: Then what do we do?
Malcolm: Well, I mean, if we really want to figure this out, maybe we need to look at ourselves honestly.
Reese: You're right. What's wrong with us?
Malcolm: Well, some parts are easy. I mean, you're a ruthlessly brutal thug.
Reese: I have my moods.
Malcolm: And look how it was my first impulse to criticize you. It just shows what a pompous ass I am.
Reese: I do seem to cause a lot of needless suffering. I usually assume that people are my enemy.
Malcolm: I have this need to show off. It's not enough that I know more than everyone. I have to make sure they know I know more. Why do I do that?
Reese: Don't ask me. I know less than everyone. When I walk into a room, it seems like everybody's talking about things that I could never understand. And when they laugh, I'm always sure that they're laughing at me.
Malcolm: Maybe we're both afraid. We're afraid people won't like us. That's why I show off how smart I am and that's why you hit people. We're scared of being rejected, so we act in a way that pushes people away.
Reese: Oh, man.
Malcolm: It's the thing that we hate the most, and yet we keep making it happen again and again. We're so stupid and pathetic.
Reese: Or they're jealous!
Malcolm: Yeah, totally jealous.
Reese: I mean, they see us, and they don't want to face that they're all jealous, so they make us act all angry and superior!
Malcolm: They're in denial.
Reese: I am really glad we did this.
Quote from Lois
Lois: Oh, this is outrageous!
Hal: What's the matter?
Lois: The blender is broken. There's no excuse for this!
Hal: Honey, we have had it since before Dewey was born.
Lois: I don't care. They said a lifetime guarantee. A lifetime is not ten or eleven years. Hal, if they want to say a ten or eleven-year guarantee, that's fine. I'll make my blender-buying decisions accordingly, but they said "lifetime." I'm getting my money back or a blender of equal or greater value.
Hal: How are you going to find the warranty from ten years ago?
Lois: I'm sure it's with the rest of the papers in the garage.
Hal: Well, honey, you'll never find it out there. What did this cost, $19?
Lois: That's what they want you to say! That's why they don't charge more! That's how they get you!