Hal: [quietly] I need to borrow $1,800. I'll pay you back over the next six years in monthly payments of $39.50. I have no money to give these boys a Christmas gift and I'm not even sure where I'm driving. I hate to ask you, but I don't know what else to do. I love you.
Francis: Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you... I got fired from my job. I'm totally broke.
Hal: What? You got fired from the ranch?
Francis: It turns out the ATM I was making all of Otto's deposits into wasn't an ATM. So sue me, right? Anyway, he's suing me. I don't know what we're going to do.
Lois: You're not moving back in! There isn't room enough in the house! Besides, Piama doesn't want to live with us.
Francis: Piama doesn't even know about it. She thinks I'm on vacation. I've been acting like the happiest man in the world the last few weeks just to hide it from her.
Hal: I have to say, I am a little disappointed in you, Francis. You can't hide something like this from the ones you love. Honesty is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.
Francis: Well, I'm sorry I can't help you.

Hal: Okay, if we get Reese the walkie-talkies with only two channels, we can move $8.20 from his pile to Dewey's pile. Then Dewey can get the Spider-man figure that sticks to walls.
Lois: We have enough stuff that sticks to walls. Dewey can live with the regular Spider-man. Just make sure that Malcolm's pile has enough in it... Hal, we don't have a pile for Jamie.
Hal: Oh, damn it! You know, Jamie's not even old enough to know it's Christmas. We could-
Lois: Hal.
Hal: All right! But this is ridiculous. $93 to get gifts for four boys.
Lois: Well, it's our own fault. We just weren't frugal enough.
Hal: What else can we do? We're already doing no-electricity Wednesdays, lunch lotteries, "family flush".

Lois: I don't know what happened. I just lost control of myself. It was like an out-of-body experience, and I was there watching this woman go insane. And the woman was me. But you know what, Hal? I'd do it all over again. It felt great. It was almost worth destroying my car.
Hal: Well, honey, the important thing is no cops were there to see it.
[Reese steps forward]
Lois: No one says a word. This is my one. My one to your 11,000. So, due to unforeseen circumstances, we are now completely broke. Therefore, I am making a proclamation. This will be a handmade Christmas. We're not spending any money on gifts. They will be homemade, and therefore, more personal and more thoughtful.
Reese: But you can't do this!
Hal: Well, I think it's high time we had a handmade Christmas. You boys just don't appreciate the holidays. To you it's nothing but a disgusting orgy of materialism.
Malcolm: But-
Hal: No buts! You're the ones who turned your mother into a ticking time bomb! Oh, you just thank your lucky stars that she went off on an innocent bystander!