Abe: I can't believe she's seeing someone else. She just came right out and said it like it was no big deal. Said she didn't want to be chained down. Chained down. Can you believe it?
Hal: Yeah, I can. But then I've had some time to process it, Abe. You told me twice last night and the day before that when you showed up at work.
Abe: I sense his presence, Hal. His essence lingering. Picture it, Hal. I want you to picture it. Her lips on another man's lips. Not mine. What's wrong with my lips? I wish I knew who it was.

Craig: If I ever find out who it is I will track him down to his evil lair and... and... I'll probably just take a lot of telephoto shots and start dressing like him. You have to have some clue to his identity. Think, Lois, think!
Lois: Craig, you're driving me crazy.
Craig: I'm sorry. You're right. Absolutely right. Is he rich? Famous? Athletic?

[cuts back and forth:]
Abe: Muscular? Intellectual? Slim?
Craig: Is he lit from within by a quiet, inner strength and steely resolve?
Abe: It's so unfair. Why does he have to have my woman?
Craig: Oh, God... it's not that hunk from the calendar holding the tires, is it?
Abe: I can't compete with that. How can I compete with that?
Craig: Sure, I've got my joke book, but that really only takes me so far.
Abe: Why would God give me a glimpse of paradise just to slam the gate in my face?
Craig: God hates me.
[split-screen:]
Both: I'm so unhappy. I'm so unhappy.

Lois: Okay, we're just going to have to help make the decision for her.
Hal: You're right.
Lois: Can you get Abe to back off?
Hal: What? Why Abe? Why can't you get Craig to back off?
Lois: Craig will fall apart. Abe can take it. He's more mature.
Hal: The man sleeps with a night-light, Lois!
Lois: Eight hours, Hal! For eight hours I had to watch Craig practice revenge faces.
Hal: Wait, wait, wait, wait, this is crazy. We shouldn't be fighting. We should just stay out of this whole thing.
Lois: You're right. You're right. They're both our friends. One of them will screw up eventually.
Hal: Exactly. I just wish I could stop picturing the sex.

Lois: Pete Bucowski never got discouraged, even when he got sent down to the minors for the fifth time.
Dewey: Let's go over there.
Lois: He just shrugged and grinned that grin he had and said, "Hey, what the hey." It was like his catchphrase. Look, goose bumps.
Dewey: Great, Mom.
Reese: We're gonna find Reggie Jackson.
Lois: Okay, but don't miss Pete Bucowski. He's only appearing at 11:30, 12:15, 1:00, 2:30, 3:15, 4:30 and 6:00!

Lois: [gasps] Look, Pete will come to your birthday party.

Dewey: I won't let you touch the ball, but I will let you touch my hand after my hand has touched the ball.
Malcolm: Shut up, Dewey. You know what? If you win, I will kiss Reese's butt on that stage.
Dewey: Deal. Shake. No take-backs.
Malcolm: Fine.

Dewey: I think I'll put it on the mantle.
Reese: Right after Malcolm plants one on my butt.
Malcolm: It's a stupid bet.
Reese: Yeah, but if he wins, you're doing it.
Reggie Jackson: Your brother bet you he'd win the ball?
Malcolm: He thinks he has a lucky shirt.
Reggie Jackson: Lucky shirt? When I was in Little League, I had a pair of smelly old lucky socks that I wore all summer. Pretty dumb, huh?
Malcolm: Yeah.
Reggie Jackson: I hit .475 with 50 home runs that season. Don't let him welsh, kid.
Reese: I won't, Reggie. When Dewey wins, you pucker up and I will, too.

Lois: Oh, my God! Pete Bucowski saved my baby!
Pete Bucowski: Glad I could help, ma'am. Want to buy an autographed Reggie Jackson shirt?