Hal: I set up Abe and Polly.
Lois: I set up Craig and Polly.
Hal: All the time we've been talking about Polly's date, we've been talking about two different people?
Lois: I haven't been. I clearly remember saying, "Overweight, nearsighted, lonely, lost his kitty..." Oh, my God.

Hal: Any rituals you go through before a big game? [mascot gestures] Come on. You can talk to me. [mascot gestures] What? Does it violate your precious chicken code?
Lois: Hal, come on.
Hal: Guy gets too big to talk to the fans who made him!

Abe: Polly, you remember my crippled son Stevie who lost his mother?
Stevie: I'm... needy.

Piama: Here's your tuna sandwich that you wanted.
Francis: Thanks.
Piama: I just hope I got it for you fast enough. Because I know when my man gets hungry, he wants to eat right away. And that's my job, to make my man happy. [smiles]
Francis: Well... I hope so, too. And let's just hope this isn't a repeat of the last time. I mean, let's face it. That sandwich was a joke.
Piama: [quietly] Let's not turn a favor into something that you'll regret.
Francis: As a matter of fact, I think I would prefer this toasted. And I'd like to see a little garnish this time!
Piama: [quietly] And I'd like you to think about a certain special thing that you love that's never gonna happen again. [walks off]
Francis: No, honey, wait! I'm sorry!

Lois: It isn't the jacket that smells. There was a fried apple pie in the pocket.
Craig: Oh, thanks, Lois.
Hal: So where are you players headed tonight?
Abe: The Rusty Scupper. Uh-oh, we better get a wiggle on, Craig. Happy Hour starts in 20 minutes and the ladies won't wait.
Craig: They'll wait for you in those new chinos.
Abe: I won't have a chance with you in your leather jacket.
Craig: Not if they get a load of your... [sobs]
Abe: Ah, ah, ah. Come on. How are you going to get on the scene?
Craig: Like a sex machine.

Lois: We have got to get tickets to this baseball card convention. You know who's going to be there? Reggie Jackson, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds and Pete Bucowski. Pete Bucowski!
Stevie: Who?
Lois: Oh, for the... Only the first Polish-American lefty from the tri-county area to play two complete seasons in the majors. And you call yourselves fans.

Lois: Here you go, Abe.
Abe: Thank you so much for helping us bachelors with our laundry, Lois. Wow, the collars are so crisp.
Hal: That's her signature.
Lois: Oh, honestly. It's just a little spray starch and a firm hand.

Craig: Sorry, I was driving home and knew I wouldn't make it. This was the nearest safe house. [Polly stands in his way] Hot soup!

Hal: Oh, listen, Polly, are you doing anything Friday night?
Polly: Oh, my God, I've been dreading this day. This is what happened on my last job. Of course he told me he only had six months to live. And, boy, did he live.
Hal: No. No, no. Polly, Polly... I was asking for my friend, Abe. He was here the other day.
Polly: Oh. Stevie's dad?
Hal: Yeah. Oh, he's a great guy. A lot of fun, a big heart, a great personality...
Polly: I know he's fat, Hal.
Hal: That wasn't...
Polly: Oh, no, that's okay. To tell you the truth, I prefer big men. So have him call me.
Hal: All right! But this should not be construed as a setup in any way, because he was going to ask you out in the first place. If you're gonna do this, you need to promise in advance that you're not going to stalk him or run him over with a car or suddenly decide he looks like your stepbrother and throw a steam iron at him.
Polly: I drifted off, Hal, but okay.

Piama: I picked up some cold medicine for you.
Francis: I told you I'm fine.
Piama: You know what happens when you get that scratchy thing in your throat.
Francis: I don't need it.
Piama: I'm not gonna be up all night with you coughing. Just take it.
Ranch Hand: [to Piama] Señora. [to Francis] Señora.
Francis: You have to stop telling me what to do. You are putting me in a horrible position in front of my guys, Piama, and it's getting worse.
Piama: They're not doing the work?
Francis: What? No, they do plenty of work.
Piama: Then what's the problem?
Francis: They're... teasing me.
Piama: The other boys are teasing you.
Francis: Let me explain something to you, Piama. [quietly] The whole macho thing is very big in Mexican culture.
Piama: No, it's actually big in every culture, and I'm not buying into it just because these guys are acting like jerks.