Francis: You have a week. Is there anything you know she likes?
Otto: Well, she always wished that I could learn to waltz.
Francis: Really? That's great! I know how to waltz. I learned in military school taking girls to cotillions. I can totally teach you.
Otto: Oh, no, no, no, Francis, I am a terrible dancer. I tried it at our wedding; I stepped on her foot.
Francis: You can't let a little thing...
Otto: I broke it in three places.
Francis: But...
Otto: Then I ripped her dress, and her rear end hung out for 200 people to see. Then I got into a fistfight with her father. We spent the night in jail, and, you know, he always was a little delicate-looking, and...

Otto: Distinguished guests, friends, members of the press... when the Fish Defense League told me that the dam on our property was blocking the endangered silverback trout from its natural breeding grounds, I was glad to help. And so today, we are going to blow up this evil dam. Afterwards, we will have a nice, light lunch provided by the Grotto, a friend of fish and the business traveler. Here we go!
Francis: That's weird. From here, the dynamite looks a lot like a picnic cooler.
[When Otto presses the ignition key, a flat-bed truck behind them goes up in flames]
Otto: I am starting to think that that is a picnic cooler.

Otto: We call it "The Grotto." She is Gretchen, I am Otto...
Both: Grotto.
Otto: You should come and visit, eh?
Francis: Oh, thanks, but I'm out of work and we're kind of broke right now. [walks away]
Otto: Wait! I am having a thought! Eh, it's gone.
Gretchen: He could work for us at the ranch.
Otto: That was my thought!

Francis: Otto, this is nuts.
Otto: You will see you are not dealing with a fool. That fence is going up twice as high!
Merl: We'll just tear it back down again.
Otto: Then we will build another fence 50ft high.
Merl: Every time you build it up, we'll tear it down.
Otto: Every time you tear it down, we will build it up!
Francis: Um, did it ever occur to anyone to put in a gate?
Merl: A gate?
Otto: Hmm. A gate would work.

Otto: Why are you so angry at Francis?
Hal: I am not angry at Francis.
Otto: Well, well... you shouldn't be. He is smart, he is capable, he is hardworking and I personally never met anyone more "relibable."
Hal: Yes, now. But I had him for 18 years. I had punished him and threatened him and cried over him and begged him and screamed at him and his life was one train wreck after another. Two months with you and now he's a model citizen.
Otto: And this is what you are so upset about?
Hal: Yes, I think it's pretty obvious. All he needed was his father to get just out of his face so that he could meet someone who knows how to turn his life around.
Otto: Well, if I am such a genius, how come that I am drunk and lost in the desert with a bullet in my ass? Hal, listen to me. Francis had all of his great qualities on the day that I met him. What? What do you think? He just picked them up off the road? "Hello, I would like a Big Gulp and a candy bar and a new personality." No, Hal. Listen to me. Your acorn did not fall very far from your tree.
Hal: So I'm not such a failure as a father?
Otto: Absolutely not. Now, if your crisis is over, my buttocks could use a vigorous rubbing. They are starting to go numb.

Francis: Otto.
Otto: Oh, are you still here? I thought you quit.
Francis: You were right. This is my fault. For some reason, I've been sabotaging everything lately. Knowing that I've been here for a year, it's like people are depending on me now. And I know that at some point, I'm going to let them down.
Otto: Don't be ridiculous. [groans] No one... expects you to be perfect. If I wanted perfection I would have hired a robot or a Swede, but I hired you, Francis, because you're smart, you're a hard worker, and when you make a mistake, you fix it. If falling down a well every once in a while is the price I must pay to have you, so be it.
Francis: Thanks, Otto.

Francis: Hey, Otto, I think we have some vandals or something. There's more fences down, and this time some chickens were killed. It almost looks like they were stomped to death.
Ranch Hand: La vaca diablo ha regresado.
Otto: It was only the wind.
Francis: But the chickens look like they exploded.
Otto: Well, obviously, the broken fences flew to the other side of the ranch, hitting the chickens in a slamming motion and dragging them across the ground in a manner that closely resembles stomping. You see, there is a perfectly logical explanation for everything.
Ranch Hand: ¡La vaca diablo! Fue asi la vaca diablo!
Otto: Perfectly logical.
Francis: Was he saying "Devil cow"?
Otto: Ah, it is a silly legend. Many years ago, they say there was a cow who one day tasted human flesh and went bad. And now whenever the moon is red, she comes down from a mountain lair to drink the blood of the innocent.
Francis: You're talking about a cow.
Otto: Yeah, I know. Silly, isn't it?

Malcolm: Our dad signed the permission slip for the ATVs.
Otto: [to Dewey] Mmm. You don't look 16 to me.
Reese: It's a glandular thing. He's very sensitive about how short he is.
Otto: Ooh. Perhaps you are a late bloomer. I had my baby teeth until I was 14. I'll get the keys.

Gretchen: Oh, my God. You broke my doll? How could you be so thoughtless? You promised me you would leave it alone, but it was just a lie. [whimpers]
Francis: All right, boys, go to your room now!
Otto: There, there. We will give him new legs and then he will be all good again, just like cousin Heinrich.

Otto: Francis?
Francis: [o.s.] Yes?
Otto: You haven't taken care of Paint Can yet, have you?
Francis: What kind of a question is that? If I had, would I be hiding from you?
Otto: It's all right, Francis. It's unfair of me to put this burden on you. We will do this thing together. Just think. We will be sending her to a much better place, with open fields and cool mountain springs where she can run all day, and horses ride people. Unless, of course, she's been a bad horse. Then she will have to spend eternity in a lake of fire, with a delicious bale of hay just out of reach.
Francis: Otto, I've never killed anything bigger than a poodle. And that was a total accident.
Otto: Francis, as hard as it will be, I know we can do this. No one said the cowboy life was easy. I'll meet you here at 5:00, after yoga.