Mike: I think there are some briquettes in one of these boxes.
Hal: [gasps] Is this heaven? Wow, look at this collection. Oh, Doobie Brothers, King Crimson. Oh, Cheap Trick... hello!
Mike: You like vinyl?
Hal: Oh, yeah.
Mike: Check this out.
Hal: Is that a Shirendorff 1280 turntable?
Mike: 1290.

Malcolm: Why did you say I spit on your burger?
Josh: Don't worry about it. Want to see something funny? [to Malcolm] Hey, quit staring at my mom's chest.
Malcolm: What? I'm not.
Lois: Malcolm, knock it off!
Malcolm: But I-I wasn't...

Hal: This is nice.
Mike: Yeah.
Hal: You know, you may not believe this, but you're the first neighbor friend I've ever had.
Mike: No way.
Hal: Yeah. In fact, you're the first guy who's ever been back here that didn't work for the power company.
Mike: Actually, I have a confession to make. I don't have many male friends myself.
Hal: To friendship.
Mike: To friendship. [both drink beer] I'm straight.
Hal: Me, too.

Josh: Malcolm, what's going on?
Malcolm: Get away. I'm not talking to you.
Josh: Why? What'd I do?
Malcolm: You keep telling lies about me.
Josh: Oh, come on, man. It's just a joke. I-I didn't know you were so sensitive. [to a passing girl] Excuse me. My friend here thinks you're really pretty.
Malcolm: No, I don't- I mean...
Josh: Come on, Malcolm, just tell her. Okay, maybe then you'll stop following her around everywhere. I am telling you, it is not healthy.

Hal: You still have to go to Dayton?
Mike: Yeah, but it's only a couple of days. How was your presentation?
Hal: Oh, great. Your joke killed. Look at us. We've been reduced to sneaking around at night. A man should be able to talk to his best friend in daylight.
Mike: Did you say "best"?
Hal: I should go.

Lois: Oh, my God! What are you doing?! [Tina closes her curtains] These are our hedges! This is the property line! The property line! The property line! You can't cross the property line! I can see you! Don't think you can hide from me! What don't you come out here and apologize to me like an adult?! [sprinklers turn on] Oh! Oh, that's real mature. Don't think you can get rid of me so easy! [sprinklers continue] Fine. That's the way you want it to be? You'll get these back when you fix my hedges! [grabs garden ornaments]

Francis: What's going on? We're on our fifth rendition of "Candy Man." Where is Spangler?
Eric: He says he's not ready.
Francis: What's he trying to do? Make a fashionable entrance? North's been waiting for dinner for 45 minutes. He's going to fill up on cheese and crackers.

Finley: I can't believe after all he put us through, Spangler ends up getting drunk and standing up the colonel.
Eric: Yeah, that was creepy the way he was wriggling around on the floor like that, calling for his mother.
Francis: I'll go check on him.

Francis: Sir?
Spangler: Who's there?
Francis: Uh, just me, sir.
Spangler: What time is it? Colonel North should be here any minute.
Francis: It's morning, sir. You, you already missed reveille.
Spangler: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The one chance I had to be face-to-face with my hero, and I slept through his visit?
Francis: Slept through his visit, sir? You guys were up all night talking.
Spangler: We did?
Francis: Yeah, you really hit it off. He told you to call him Ollie.
Spangler: Really?
Francis: Don't you remember? You two were joking and laughing like old friends. And drinking Scotch, lots and lots of Scotch.
Spangler: Yes, we did, didn't we?
Francis: If I may say so, sir, you were the happiest I have ever seen you.
Spangler: Well, you may... you may. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to get myself ready.

Finley: Dude, that was classy.
Francis: Thanks. So when do we get back the pictures of him in the negligee?
Eric: Wednesday. Poster size takes two days.