Lois: Who does that woman think she is? Suddenly fake boobs and $50 highlights allow you to treat other people like dirt? I tell you, Hal, they are officially the worst neighbors we've ever had.
Hal: Worst neighbors? Honey, that's not really fair to Mike. Remember the 70-year-old swingers?
Reese: Dad, they're horrible. Look at what their little piranha did to me. Every time I go outside, Emily's there, lying in wait.
Malcolm: Yeah, and that kid Josh keeps making up all these weird lies about me. He told the whole school that I was born with both sex organs and raised as a girl until I was five.
Dewey: Their gnome wants to eat me. It's evil.
Lois: They're all evil, sweetie.

Reese: She's out there.
Malcolm: Who?
Reese: Emily - the Demon Child. She's everywhere. No matter where I go or what I do, she's there. I'm going crazy.
Malcolm: Aren't you the one who wanted a feud?
Reese: Malcolm, you know I don't think things through. How am I supposed to fight her? I can't hit her. I can't do anything to her, and she knows it. I'm completely defenseless.
Malcolm: Reese, she's four. You're bigger and smarter than... Well, you're bigger.

Spangler: [wakes up] Huh?
Francis: Are you all right, sir?
Spangler: [slurred] I am a little under the weather.
Francis: You're drunk, sir.
Spangler: That could be why. I was a tad nervous about Colonel North's visit. I thought that a little nip of something might help. That, and seven or eight belts of Scotch.
Francis: Let's get you dressed. And attached.
Spangler: The man is a national hero. He has done so many things and I have done so little. I don't deserve to breathe the same air as that great man.
Francis: Don't talk like that, sir.
Spangler: No! I'm a worm. Cadet, I'm a worm. I belong on the floor with the other worms.
Francis: Sir, get up. Sir, please stop wriggling. Sir?

Reese: Look, we just sneak over the fence, plant the stolen goods under Josh's window, and make an anonymous phone call to the police from Stevie's house.
Malcolm: [to camera] Yeah, I know it's stupid, but I'm too desperate to care. [to Reese] Are you sure this is going to work?
Reese: If there's one thing I've learned, it's you can't clear your own name. You can only ruin someone else's.
Malcolm: Yeah, but...
Reese: Trust me. I've thought of everything. Everyone's going to think Josh is a thief. His parents are going to be tied up in court and Emily's going to be thrown in a foster home where she'll bite her foster parents, who will then leave her at a rest stop somewhere, and she can spend the rest of her life biting hillbillies on the interstate.
Malcolm: Okay.

Hal: Ooh. Table saw!
Lois: No, Hal. No borrowing. We have a clean slate with these people. We're going to behave. I want to have one person on this earth who can pick up the mail.
Hal: Your mother's right. Doesn't hurt to have allies on the block, especially allies with a pool. We just got to make sure we get to them before the Reeds can poison them against us. Or the McCartys. Or the Whitfords. We definitely need to get to them before the Whitfords.
Malcolm: I see Mrs. Schneider circling.
Hal: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Lois: This is nice, Tina. You didn't have to barbecue.
Tina: Well, you're the first neighbors to come by and say hello.
Hal: Well, that's not surprising. I don't want to speak ill of anybody and I won't say who, but some of our neighbors are prone to paranoid fantasies. Oh, yeah, don't get me started on the stories.
Lois: Hal...
Hal: Yeah.

Hal: Wait, wait, you, you only flipped 'em once?
Mike: I feel every patty has a moment.
Hal: See, I always rush it.
Mike: Factor in the fat content, Hal.

Tina: Hey, do you have a good doctor?
Lois: Why, is something wrong?
Tina: Well, neck pain. Or back pain. Whatever will get him to write the prescription. [chuckles]
Lois: No, I'm sorry. My doctor's honest.
Tina: Too bad. I'll let you know if I find one.

[Dewey stares at a garden gnome]
Josh: I wouldn't stare at him like that. He'll get angry.
Dewey: No, he won't. He's friendly.
Josh: Tell that to the kid he ate.
Dewey: What kid?
Josh: That's why we had to move. Didn't you read about it in the newspaper?
Dewey: No.
Josh: Just as well. Pictures were really gruesome.

Josh: Can I have another burger? Malcolm spit on mine.
Malcolm: What?
Hal: Malcolm, why would you do such a thing?
Malcolm: But I didn't...
Hal: Yeah, yeah, here. There. Now beat it.