‘Monkey’
Season 3, Episode 22 - Aired May 12, 2002
After Reese foils an attempted robbery at the house, he shows an interest in a career in law enforcement. Hal feels ashamed that he wasn't the one to tackle the intruder and save his family. Meanwhile, Craig hires a helper monkey, and Francis and Piama are forced to leave Alaska.
Quote from Reese
Reese: Hey, what's going on here?
Boy: We're just playin'.
Reese: It's getting a little loud. This is a nice neighborhood. Let's keep it that way. Stay in school.
Quote from Reese
Reese: Hey, where are your helmets? That's not safe!
Skater Boy: Who the hell are you?!
[Reese throws his bat the at the skateboard, knocking the boy off]
Skater Boy: Ouch! Ow!
Reese: See? You should be more careful. Play safe. Be smart.
Quote from Hal
Hal: What time is it? Ah, damn! It's too dark to see my Rolex! No matter, I'll just take out the maximum amount and everything will be fine. Yeah, that ought to do it. Now, where did I park my Bentley? Damn, my inability to see in the dark!
Man: Hey!
Hal: [holds night stick] Can I help you with something?
Man: Your money's hanging out of your pocket. You might want to tuck it back in. This is a bad neighborhood!
Hal: Thank you. [drops night stick]
Quote from Craig
Craig: [to the monkey] Ohh, that lasagna smells good! It took you long enough. Did you have to fly to Italy to get it? Never mind. Let's dig in. Argh! Ohh! Hah! Hot! Hot! Hot! Let's just let it cool down a little bit. Ow! Oh! What is this? [splutters] Oh, hot! Tongue! Please, God, no! Water! Water! Good monkey! Closer. Closer! [chokes] Ahh! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
Quote from Reese
Reese: It looks like someone smashed up your trash cans pretty good. Maybe if you brought them in on time this kind of thing wouldn't happen.
Quote from Craig
Craig: Oliver, is my milk shake ready? It was supposed to be ready an hour ago! If it's warm, you can go ahead and drink it 'cause I won't! Alright, I will. Where is it?! Oliver?
[When Craig wheels over to the counter, he sees a bottle of drain cleaner alongside the milkshake ingredients]
Craig: You know, I've changed my mind. I'm not in the mood for milk shake now. [Oliver slides it down to Craig] Oh, well! Since you did go to all that trouble! [pretends to drink] Mmmm! Good! [sobs]
Quote from Craig
Lois: Craig, I can't stay long. I've got your mail. Jeez, it's boiling in here!
Craig: Really? I hadn't noticed anything! I'm just having a pleasant afternoon home here with Oliver! [quietly] Lois, that monkey is out to get me!
Lois: What?
Craig: He tried to poison me and now he's trying to cook me alive. He's an evil little monkey.
Lois: Craig, you're asking an animal with a brain the size of a piece of gum to run your household. Stop being so paranoid!
Craig: I am not being paranoid! I've seen him staring at me when I'm pretending to be asleep! He's been chewing on my brake cables! You've got to get me out of here!
Lois: You are not staying with me! Craig, that monkey is not
Craig: [laughs as he sees Oliver watching him] Lois, you tell such amusing stories! Shhh!
Lois: You are getting a real nurse tomorrow.
Quote from Francis
Piama: So, where do you wanna go?
Francis: I don't care. All I know is we've got $2,000 left and a car pointed south.
[As Francis drives straight past Eric who is holding out his thumb looking for a lift, Dewey's hamster wheel rolls up the road.]