Piama: Did you get the job?
Francis: No, it was a stupid idea anyway auditioning for a cruise ship. What kind of piano player doesn't know the music to Cabaret?!

Malcolm: [to camera] Well, I've been awake for a week straight. The first 96 hours were tough, but I'm starting to get my second wind. [lays two slices of bread down] Who needs sleep anyway? It's just a waste of time. [gets a jar of peanut butter] They say that Thomas Edison, he only got, like... [butters his book] Well, he didn't... What was I talking about? Never mind. [puts book in the food cupboard and then uses highlighter pen on his bread]

Reese: You're a little far on the sidewalk, aren't you?
Lois: Who cares? Grab a bag.
Reese: You have to leave the sidewalk free for pedestrians.
Lois: Stop stalling and help unload.
Reese: Are you walking away from me?!
Lois: Excuse me?!
Reese: You can't leave your car here.
Lois: I will leave my car wherever I wanna leave my car.
Reese: Well, I'd hate to see anything happen to your car.
Lois: Just bring in the bags, Reese.
[Reese strikes the car with his bat. Later, police sirens wail as a crowd looks up at Lois climbing a tree after Reese:]
Reese: Officer in need of assistance! Quickly! Officer in need of assistance!

Piama: That lawyer was a total idiot!
Francis: Are you kidding? A $50 fine was a great deal. It probably cost ten times that amount to wire the deputy's jaw shut.

Piama: I'm not taking the settlement and I'm not paying a fine. I'm getting a real lawyer and taking this to trial.
Francis: That would take four of five months. There is a bulldozer in the yard and it's gonna flatten this house whether we're in it or not.
Piama: I'm not scared of a bulldozer.
Francis: You know what, the bulldozer doesn't care if you're scared or not. It will still crush you! We have to get out of here.

Dewey: Ah, read it to me again, Dad!
Hal: [chuckles] OK, son. "Local man subdues monkey." "A disabled man was saved by a local hero when he was..." Oh.
Malcolm: [to camera] I can't believe it! Dewey's finally fallen asleep! I'm only eleven hours away from a world record, so at least some good will come of... [falls asleep]
Hal: "Expert say the Capuchin monkey can weigh up to nine pounds! He's a real hero, said victim Craig Feldspar, age 36." A real hero!

Lois: Craig, I got your lunch. Sorry I'm late. I picked up the burgers but then I had to drive a half an hour across town to get your chicken from Nugget World!
Craig: I thought you said you wanted to help me lead a normal life! Did you get the extra mayo?
Lois: Yes.
Craig: From which place?
Lois: When are you getting a nurse?
Craig: Well, gee, Lois, it's just that I've been so busy with... you know... having my arms and legs broken when your kid's dog chased me out in traffic. Plus, I can't sleep knowing the mental trauma my cat suffers staying at mother's. And then there's all the forehead sticks I used learning to go to the bathroom.
Lois: Craig, the insurance company gave you money for a nurse.
Craig: Oh, Lois. Poor, sweet, money-wasting Lois. I've got something better. Oliver!
Lois: Oh, my God, is that a monkey!
Craig: It's a helper monkey. They're highly trained, and they donate them to the permanently disabled.
Lois: You're not permanently disabled!
Craig: [whispers] For six weeks he thinks I am!
Lois: Craig, I am not taking care of you and a wild animal!
Craig: Lois, it's not a wild animal. It's a capuchin monkey. They're nature's butlers. I've got a good one, too. His brother worked for Stephen Hawking.

Lavernia: All right, everybody, clear out. You're all fired.
Francis: What?!
Lavernia: The camp's closing. They cut down the last tree today.
Man: Anyone want a picture with it?
Lavernia: A mining company bought the land. You gotta be out of here by the end of today.
Francis: We're just out of her like that, without notice?!
Lavernia: This is the circle of life up here. First, they cut down the trees, then the mining company strips the land. Then with any luck at all, they'll turn whatever's left into a nuclear waste dump. It's the only way we're going to wean ourselves from our unhealthy dependence on foreign oil!
Pete: Well, I guess I'm gonna have to move back in with my parents.

Malcolm: Okay, Dewey, are you finally gonna be able to go to sleep now? You saw all the policemen and how strong the bars are.
Dewey: Yeah, but-
Malcolm: And you saw that the police station is much too big for a helicopter to carry it away to a secret hideout under the sea!
Dewey: But-
Malcolm: No buts, Dewey! That guy is in a jail cell. He's not going anywhere.
Reese: I wouldn't bet on it. With our legal system, he's probably back on the streets right now.
Dewey: [gasps]
Malcolm: Dewey.

Craig: Oh, Lois, you're not drinking your tea. Oliver, Lois takes sugar in her tea. One lump. [Oliver drops a sugar lump in Lois's drink] I usually like to thank him when he does something right.
Lois: Um, thank you, Oliver.
Craig: Isn't he amazing? He makes the bed, does dishes, even changes his own diaper! Oliver, temple massage. Ah! Ah! This is about as good as it gets. Lois, you want some of this?
Lois: I have to go!
Craig: Ah. Ah. He's like a frail geisha.