Hal: [whispers to door] You're looking at this the wrong way. It's not Malcolm's money anymore. Until we pay him back, it's ours. All right, maybe I was reaching too far with the big one, but just take a look at these... [slides brochures under door] Huh? You can choose the Wave Skimmer or the Weekender. What do you think?
Dewey: [opens door] I like this one.

Malcolm: [answers phone] Hello?
Hal: [panics] Uh, yes. [British accent] 'ello, guv'nor. Is your mom at 'ome?
Malcolm: [to Lois] It's Dad.

Lois: What's he doing here?
Hal: He's in.
Lois: What?! How did-
Hal: He just is! Look, it isn't important how it happened. Let's just move on with this, okay?
Lois: Look, Dewey, you understand we're not stealing this money. Every cent is going back to Malcolm. We're a bank.
Dewey: Yeah, well, this bank is getting a Rolex. A big one.
Lois: That money is going towards new pipes for the house!
Hal: She can spend her share any way she wants.
Dewey: And I'm spending my share on a Rolex. I think I've earned it.
Lois: There are no shares!

Judith: I don't know. It sounds to me like he was asking to be beaten up.
Reese: That's what I said! Just because you're a crossing guard, you're suddenly off limits? "Walk, don't walk" Who the hell is he to boss me around?
Judith: It's nice to see someone with a little spirit. So many young people just lie about the house, just watching their Miami Vice and MTV's. Pie?
Reese: This is great. I never knew old people could be nice. I thought you were all wrinkled bags of skin babbling about how stuff used to cost less.
Judith: No, some are like that, but there's a few of us who still have some life left.
Reese: Who's the geezer?
Judith: That's Teddy. Handsome, isn't he?
Reese: You want me to push you over to him?
Judith: No, I don't think that would be a good idea. See, we're not allowed to have romances around here. It's as if they don't think we're capable of having feelings anymore.
Reese: That is totally unfair! I mean, as long as the two of you can see each other naked and still keep your lunches down, you should be able to do whatever it is you want to do.

Malcolm: Okay, I alphabetized all the seniors' names, helped lug your equipment for three days from here to your shop, and I held the lights for those creepy photo shoots. You have to take another picture of me.
Photographer: You held up your part of the bargain, I'll hold up mine. Sit down.
Malcolm: Thank you!
Photographer: Chin to the left. Square your shoulders. Smile. [shutter clicks]
Malcolm: What did you do to me?! I look like a freak!
Photographer: Kid, that's you. That's what you look like.
Malcolm: I can't let my grandchildren see me like that! You have to fix it! Put on a special filter, or-or brighter lights... Please, do something!
Photographer: Sorry, kid. That's the best I can do. I'm a yearbook photographer, not a magician.

Lois: Where have you been?
Dewey: School.
Hal: That story better hold up, Mister.
Lois: Your father wants to count the money again.
Hal: I just think we all get along better when we know it's all here. By the way, I'm going to need some of this. I got an estimate to fix my transmission.
Lois: This receipt is from 1986, Hal! I can see where you erased the date!
Dewey: Amateur.
Hal: Oh, yeah? Well, how do I know this plumber's for real, and not just some actor that you hired?
Lois: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I held auditions while you were at work, Hal!
Hal: I knew it!

Reese: Hi, Judith.
Judith: Oh, hello, Reese. I want to thank you so much for everything you've done.
Reese: It felt good to do something nice for a change. I'm seriously thinking about peppering that into my repertoire.
Mavis: Are you the one who helped Judith and Teddy get together yesterday?
Reese: Yes, I am, and I would do it again. Your rules are just stupid. I mean, who does it hurt to let two old people be happy?
Mona: You whore! You stole my husband!
Judith: No, I just used him without your permission and gave him back to you... Just like someone did with my sewing machine.
Teddy: Look at her. I couldn't say no! How can you say no to that?
Mona: Oh, shut up, you old fool!
Reese: Wait, I can fix this! Just get back at him by sleeping with someone else! How about him? When he has his teeth in, he's quite the looker!

Lois: Here's your uniform, Reese. You're really lucky you got your old job back again.
Reese: Lucky? They have me on the delivery route, hauling stuff around all day. At least when I worked in the slaughter house, there were breaks every couple of hours to find guys' fingers.

Malcolm: Unbelievable! You know what's going on, Mom? How could he do this to me?!
Lois: Malcolm, I know it looks bad, but let me explain!
Malcolm: Don't try and stick up for him, Mom.
Lois: Oh, Malcolm, I know he's not perfect, but I love him.
Malcolm: You love my yearbook photographer?
Lois: Yes. Well... maybe love is too strong a word for it, but he does great work.
Malcolm: The guy's hired to take good yearbook pictures! Now my grandchildren are gonna look at my photo in 50 years and think that their grandfather was a dork!
Lois: Well, then I'm going to have to rethink my feelings for him.

Lois: Listen to me, we are not splitting up that money!
Dewey: Who put you in charge?
Hal: Yeah, who put you in charge? Let's vote.
Lois: There will be no voting!
Dewey: I vote there's voting.
Hal: Me, too. I'm going to get the money.
Lois: It's not there anymore. I moved it.
Hal: I know. I moved it from where you moved it.
Lois: And I moved it again.
Hal: What?! I was the one who came up with this idea-
Dewey: The money is safe.
[Dewey lifts his shirt to reveal a packet of cash tucked down his pants]
Hal: Give it!
[Malcolm finds Hal wrestling with Dewey]
Hal: And that... is the French Tuck!