Lois: Hal, this isn't working for me.
Hal: Well, that's because you don't scrunch and spritz like I told you to.
Lois: No, this. Look. Craig is flaking out on me. I'm pulling double shifts for him and every time I come home, it's full of people. I never have any time alone. There is hair everywhere. And I do not like the way you are standing lately.
Hal: Lois, these women are walking out of here with a glow. It's wonderful.
Lois: Well, can't you at least some of the money you're making to hire a cleaning lady?
Hal: I'm not accepting money for this!
Lois: What?!
Hal: I am transforming these women, Lois. I won't soil that with money. And it's not just the hair. They confide in me. They need someone to listen to their problems. You wouldn't believe what some of these women are going through. Nancy, she's getting audited. Margie's husband has a gambling problem. And Paula in there, she is having an affair.
Lois: What?!
Hal: Yes, for the last five months. It's some guy she's pretending to take golf lessons with.

Malcolm: Why do you keep doing this to me? I fix your throttle leakage and your alternator dies. I buy you a new alternator and your water pump explodes. Every time I think I'm getting close, you find a new way to hurt me.

Stevie: I didn't get... to read... my poem.

Dewey: Temperature good for you?
Stevie: Perfect. As was... the scalp massage.

Reese: So all you have to do is cash in the ticket for me, give me the $11,000, and you can keep $500.
Craig: Deal.
Reese: Thanks, man.
Craig: Well, I think it's important you have an adult you can trust.

Dewey: There's a bit of a wait. We got slammed with a wedding party and we're way behind.
Craig: Huh, The Human Volcano. One of my favorites.
Frank: Oh, it's so much better now that he can read minds.
Craig: Exactly. He used to just have heat grip. How lame was that? [pulls out a candy bar] You allergic to nuts?
Frank: No.
Craig: All right. [shares candy bar] What are you studying in school?
Frank: Regular stuff, I guess. I don't really like school. Everybody makes fun of me.
Craig: Yeah, I remember those days. Kids can be so cruel. The smart kids, the loners, they were the meanest.
Frank: The worst is gym class. My own team throws the ball at me in dodgeball.
Craig: Hey, you know how you can get out of gym? Pretend to have asthma. All you need is a fake inhaler. Here, take mine. It also gets me good seats on the bus. Don't worry. Things are going to be better for you from here on out.
Frank: My dad tells me the same thing. Well, your dad's a smart man.
Lois: Frank, your new haircut looks great. Let me just get my purse and I'll drive you back home to your parents. Craig, you know Frank's parents, Fred and Paula. Remember, Fred is our boss at Lucky Aide? And I believe you're giving golf lessons to his mom. Let's go, Frank. And I promise I'll drive very safely so we don't have an accident. I wouldn't want to ruin your life with my carelessness.

Craig: [over P.A.] Attention, Lucky Aide shoppers: My name is Craig Feldspar and I have a message for Paula Lynch. Paula, I can't go on like this. I'm going to do the right thing, and make you my wife. I just bought an $11,500 engagement ring which I hope you'll accept.
Man: You're cheating on me with Craig Feldspar?! [off Fred's look] I think we're both victims here, Fred.
Lois: I'm going to go... something that way.
Craig: [over P.A.] Sure, it won't be easy for us, but the path of true love never did run smooth.

Hal: Well, they're about to tow her away. You want to come say good-bye?
Malcolm: No.
Hal: I know it's tough, son. I thought I'd never get over my first car. '64 Plymouth Fury who couldn't keep her top on. Then some guy stole her from me. I saw her a few months later with a new driver and a different paint job, but, she meant nothing to me. I had moved on. And so will you.
Malcolm: Are you cutting my hair?
Hal: No.