Reese: Your car is ruining everything. It's even affecting our illegal gambling. I tried to pick a winner myself, but since I'm an idiot, I picked one that came in at over 600 to 1. I won $11,500 that I can't even touch because I'd have to fill out a tax form! $11,500 that's just sitting there tormenting me because of that stupid car!

Malcolm: I'm not going to make it. [coughs] Stevie was right about this car. [coughs] And so was Reese. He was right about the car, and the horse racing. [coughs] That makes it easier. I don't want to... live in a world... where Reese is right. [passes out]

Hal: You really have to snap those sheets if you want to get the hair off. Come on. Throw your fanny into it.
Reese: Dad, seriously, you got to stop talking like that.
Hal: Oh, I'm sorry. It's just so draining listening to all these people with their tawdry little secrets. Like that Paula woman, Fred's wife? Not only is she cheating on her husband, now she's two-timing on her golf instructor with her swing-dance teacher. She is learning new moves every night if you know what I'm talking about. She is so cold.
Stevie: Hey!
Hal: Stevie, please, we're talking.
[Stevie goes to the garage and opens the door]
Hal: And Sheila's husband Randy just got a new assistant. She's 19 years old and she doesn't even know how to type. The girl wears a halter top to the office. Halter tops? Hello? Dukes of Hazzard on line three. They want their costumes back.

Hal: Malcolm? Malcolm, are you all right?
Malcolm: What happened?
Hal: It's okay. It's okay, son. You'll be fine. Just breathe deep.
Malcolm: Stevie, you saved my life. I treated you like dirt. You saved my life. [coughs] Your wheel's kinda on my crotch.
Stevie: Is it?

Malcolm: [to camera] It did work out. It's been four days and Reese and I have already won almost $300. I can't believe it. Reese's plans usually end up with a missing toe or something.
Stevie: Since when... do you... buy lunch?
Malcolm: Oh, well, I've been making some extra money at work. There's an incentive program at work, we're given bonuses for finding inefficiencies. [Malcolm gets distracted by a car] It's really improve morale at the store. You know, I actually enjoy going to work now that everybody is- [Stevie's wheelchair falls of the curb] Whoa! Jeez, are you okay?
Stevie: Trying to finish... what God started?
Malcolm: I'm sorry, I didn't see the curb. I was distracted by that...
[As Malcolm walks towards the car for sale, Stevie's wheelchair tips over into the road]
Stevie: Ow.

Lois: Malcolm, the fact that you even want this so bad should have been your first clue that this is-
Hal: Lois.
Lois: Hal, he's not-
Hal: Look, every boy has to go through this. It's the only way they find out what's important in a car. Look, let's go. I need to feather your neckline a little bit.

Reese: Where were you? We were supposed to meet Heinrich right after lunch to get our bets in. Today was totally wasted. Although he did buy me a swimsuit.
Malcolm: I got a car, Reese. I finally have a car. It's the coolest thing I've ever seen.
Reese: It's a piece of crap.
Malcolm: [to the car] Don't listen to him. You're magnificent. [headlight falls off]

Malcolm: What is your problem, you stupid car? You're driving me nuts.
Stevie: Where... were you?
Malcolm: Oh, Stevie, good. Here, take this. If it turns over, yank it out.
Stevie: I waited... at the library.
Malcolm: You should have seen her today. I was at a light and these jerks pulled up next to me, wanting to race. I hit the gas and she just flew. I totally blew the doors off for four seconds before she dropped an oil pan. [engine starts] That's it!

Paula: So I'm thinking, I feel young, so why not look young? So I got the Botox done to crow's feet and my forehead, then I had my chin done and my tummy tucked. And I may not stop there.
Hal: Work it, girlfriend.

Dewey: Does your grandmother know you borrowed her hands?
Woman: I went to six different stores and could not find that avocado oil you recommended.