Ivan: So... you want to marry my daughter?
Malcolm: What?! [laughter]
Ivan: I couldn't resist. I'm sorry to put you through all this, but our family is very protective of our little Angela. We need to know what kind of boy you are.
Malcolm: ... Well, uh... I'm just normal. I go to Angela's school. I get good grades. Uh, I have a job three days a week at a drugstore with my mom. Um... never had a cavity. Did have all my shots. Religiously, I guess I would classify myself as a hopeful agnostic. I think the basic philosophical question is...
Angela: Can we stop this? Look, he's a genius. He's the smartest kid in our whole school by, like, a lot.
Ivan: Really? Genius? Say something smart.
Malcolm: Well, um, I'm doing a paper on cosmological inflation. It's a theory that says the reason the universe is so homogeneous is that right after the Big Bang, there was a short period of even more rapid growth than usual.
Ivan: I hope you mentioned the importance of scalar fields to the whole concept of symmetry breaking. Not to brag, but I did some pretty important work on this.
Maria: Oh, please. Until they actually find a Higgs particle, it's all just empty speculation.
Ivan: Yes, dear. Women. I'm okay with him. You okay with him? [Maria nods] Nana?
Nana: Eh.
Ivan: She loves you! Come on! We're going to see how much a boy your age can eat. And there'll be singing! And I have to warn you, we're big Botticelli players in this family. How's your medieval history?
Malcolm: Okay, I guess.
Ivan: Malcolm's on my team!

Jordan: One sugar, just the way you like.
Francis: Thank you, Jordan.
Piama: [enters] Francis?
Francis: What, honey?
Piama: I just got off the phone with my mother. She sounded really upset that you didn't send a "thank you" note for Christmas.
Jordan: I mailed it yesterday, sir. You sent a tasteful card with a pressed wildflower inside.
Francis: I think you owe someone an apology.
Piama: He's good. [exits]
Jordan: Allow me, sir. [holds a handkerchief to Francis's nose before he sneezes]

Reese: I thought I would never smell that smell again.
Hal: Your mother's not coming home for two hours. That should give us plenty of time to eat it and destroy all the evidence. But I want to be clear on this. What we are doing here is not okay. It is morally reprehensible on every level. We should be ashamed.
Dewey: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we hate ourselves.
Hal: Now, remember, boys, whatever happens, we are all in this together. Where's Malcolm?
Reese: He's at his other family.
Hal: More for us.

Reese: I can't believe how much we ate.
Dewey: I can't believe how good it tasted.
Hal: That was the taste of evil, son. Gooey, delicious evil. I know I've got to cover my breath, but the thought of even eating this breath mint just makes me want to throw up.
Reese: We forced ours down.
Lois: [enters] Hey, everybody! I got dinner! It's from the Pizza Connection. I had to drive all the way across town to get it, but I figured I owe you boys something nice. I know how hard it's been going without Luigi's, and it means a lot to me that you're backing me up.
[later, as Hal struggles to eat a slice:]
Lois: There's cheese inside the meatballs.

Malcolm: I never saw people get so passionate about the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum theory. I thought Nana was going to punch somebody. We had so much fun last night.
Stevie: I watched... Dad torch... his wedding album.

Hal: Okay, it's 7:35. It's a five-minute bike ride to Luigi's. It'll take you one minute to order the pizza, which means they should hand it to you at 7:56. I'll send your mother to the mall at 7:50 and we'll destroy the evidence before she gets back.
Dewey: You know, we're going to pay for this. We're going to pay big.
Reese: Yeah. But we're not going to pay today.
Hal: Whatever else it's done to me, this whole conspiracy has made me feel so close to my boys.
Dewey: Except for Malcolm and Jamie.
Hal: They're not like us. Now go!

Hal: Hey, honey. What are you doing? Are those car keys?
Lois: I'm going down to Luigi's.
Hal: What?! Why would you do that?
Lois: I'm giving up. I've inflicted this thing on all of you long enough. I'm going to go down there, I'm going to walk up to the counter, and I'm going to do right by my family.
Hal: Over my dead body.
Lois: What?
Hal: You can't give up now. I thought we were a team on this.
Lois: Hal, you've all been wonderfully supportive, but maybe enough is enough.
Hal: The woman that I love has never thought that enough was enough. The woman that I love is not going to go anywhere near that place in the next hour. We believe in you, Lois. You have got to fight this.
Lois: Thank you. You're right. I will.

Ivan: Well, you and Angela can join us for movie night. And I won't take "no" for an answer.
Malcolm: I can't.
Ivan: Why not? What's wrong?
Angela: He's breaking up with me. Which I'm totally okay with. We haven't even talked in two weeks. [on the phone] What were you saying? Oh, no, it's nothing.
Ivan: You're breaking up? Just like that?
Malcolm: Yeah. This is really hard. My life is kind of complicated right now, and I just need my space. But I really want us to stay friends.
Nana: [scoffs] "Friends."
Malcolm: It's not you. It's me. The past few weeks have been great, but...
Ivan: Please. Don't.
Malcolm: No, really. You know how amazing you guys are? Look, Angela's going to date a lot of guys... that are much better than me and...
Ivan: Now you're being patronizing. Just go.
Malcolm: I'll see you around?
Ivan: We both know... that's not how it works.

Lois: I was ready to give up on my war with Luigi's, and then your father inspired me to take action. So yesterday, I called Clyde on Your Side.
Hal: Who?
Lois: You know, that consumer guy on Channel 5. They're doing a whole exposé on Luigi's. They told me it was going to be on at 10:23. Oh, oh, oh, here it is.
Clyde: [on TV] This may look like a friendly, neighborhood pizza parlor, but thanks to an alert tipster, we discovered that this hangout could be hanging you out to dry.
Lois: Alert tipster, that's me.
Clyde: [on TV] It turns out this eatery adds a secret 15% service charge to every tab. I want to be clear this does not reflect on the Italian people, most of whom are hard-working decent Americans. But for the cadre of tricksters here at Luigi's, we've got a tip for you: clean up-a you act. Who are the victims in this scam? Senior citizens on a fixed income. Local teens after a dance. [Malcolm hides from the camera] And of course, the biggest price is paid...
Lois: Oh, my God!
Hal: That traitor! How could he betray the trust of this family? Especially you, Lois.
Dewey: Doesn't he know what you've been fighting for?
Reese: Yeah! That betrayer! Look at him shove that pizza in his mouth right there in the restaurant when we have to sneak ours in the garage!
Lois: What?!
Clyde: [on TV] This isn't just the sad story of...
Reese: All right, I was saving this until I needed it. Dad does a five-minute imitation of you on the toilet. I'll show you the videotape if you're willing to deal.

Malcolm: [to camera] Turns out, breaking up with Angela was a terrible mistake. It's sad. Sometimes you don't realize what you had until you throw it away.
Ivan: [opens door] Malcolm.
Malcolm: Hey.
Maria: What are you doing here?
Malcolm: I was just in the neighborhood and I was thinking maybe... You guys look great.
Ivan: This is really awkward.
Stevie: Yes... I'm the Earl... of Sandwich. [Ivan closes the door]