Malcolm: Enjoy it?! Doesn't anyone besides me get it? The whole neighborhood hates us. So much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone.
Lois: Malcolm, that's not news. I'm just surprised they're so organized.
Malcolm: It doesn't bother you that everyone despises us?
Lois: No. These people need somebody to be mad at. Having us to hate gives the whole neighborhood something to bond over.
Hal: Your mother's right, son. Communities seek out a common enemy. If it wasn't us, they'd all team up against someone else. Probably a minority.
Lois: Malcolm, you can't spend your whole life worrying about what people think about you. They'll like you, they'll hate you, they'll think whatever they want to think, and then you die.
Malcolm: Is that supposed to cheer me up?
Lois: I don't know why you need cheering up. You are a teenage boy with a block party right outside his door. Now, you can stay in here and sulk if you want to, but your father and I are gonna go have a good time.
Hal: Come on, honey. Oh, my God, it's a lawnmower parade.

Malcolm: This football player wants to use an essay I wrote for his college application and pretend it's his own. I know it's dishonest, but I might be making too much of it. I wanted to get your advice.
Lois: You're hoping I can help you.
Malcolm: Yeah, I just said that. So, I don't think he should get into college under false pretenses, but are they really false pretenses if nobody thinks he's smart anyway? I don't want to be a part of his cheating, but I also don't want to take away his shot at going to college. I just don't know what to do.
Lois: You're uncertain... what action to take.
Malcolm: Yes! Why are you talking like a robot?
Lois: You want to know why I'm... talking like a robot.
Malcolm: I have a problem, and I need your help! All you're doing is mindlessly parroting back what I say!
Lois: You say one thing, and I restate it.
Malcolm: Forget it! If you're not going to help me, you don't have to mock me! [exits]
Lois: [to herself] We do not come from a family of criminals. You do not let him turn in that essay! [sighs] God, I knew listening to our kids would be a mistake.

Malcolm: What are you talking about? I can play music if I want to.
Lois: I'm sorry, honey, you can't. Your brain doesn't work that way. You don't have that kind of creative spark.
Malcolm: What?
Lois: See, Dewey is a flyer. He'll just drift and float through life, and things will turn out for him. Now, you and I, we're burrowers. We're at our best when our heads are down, and we're grinding through a mountain of drudgery.
Malcolm: You don't know that.
Lois: Yes, I do.
Malcolm: You actually think you know what I'd be good at before I even try it?!
Lois: That's right.
Malcolm: Oh, really? Then tell me, how would I be at scuba diving, or mountain climbing, or Flamenco dancing.
Lois: Bad at scuba diving, good at mountain climbing. Flamenco dancing, a disaster. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm just telling you what I know.
Malcolm: It's a good thing you weren't John Lennon's mother!
Lois: If I were John Lennon's mother, he'd still be alive.

Lois: I am their mother, and I say this has gone on long enough! Don't you have snipers with tranquilizer guns or a giant net?! What do I pay taxes for?!

Lois: Excuse me, I have something to say. [to the news cameras] I want the world to know how proud I am of my boys for making this statement, despite the wind and the cold and little Dewey's medical condition. And I want to thank the Police Commissioner for letting my son stay up there, even if it means rolling the dice on a diabetic coma. It's nice to see someone who cares about principles more than they care about the life of a little boy.
Police Commissioner: [to the police officer] Get 'em down.
[Dewey wakes up to a police officer rising to the platform on a cherry picker]
Dewey: Malcolm! Reese!
Malcolm: Oh, my God!
Police Commissioner: We'll have you in your mother's arms in a minute, little Dewey!
[Dewey tries to grab hold of the stripper's cleavage as he clings to the billboard]
Dewey: No!

Hal: Hey, remember before he was born and I had that Harley Da-?
Lois: No motorcycles ever! You do not talk about motorcycles. You do not think, you do not wish, you do not even reminisce about those stupid, idiotic death traps. They do not exist. Motorcycles do not exist! Say it!
Hal: Motorcycles do not exist.
Lois: What does not exist?
Hal: I don't know.
Lois: Good!

Piama: Oh, look at this. You got Francis a watch. That was so nice of you. [smashes watch]
Lois: This is a rare promotional Doobie Brothers EP. Oh. Hal almost cried when he found this at a yard sale. [snaps record in half]
Piama: It still doesn't seem like enough.
Lois: Oh, honey, this is just how we get the creative juices flowing. It's tough. You have to make your husband miserable, but I have to make mine miserable and make it a warning to the other three boys in the house.
Piama: Do men ever think about what's gonna happen when they do these stupid things?
Lois: No, that's what's weird about men, they never do. I guarantee you those two won't even think about the consequences of their actions until five minutes before they come home.
Piama: So no matter how low I set the bar, he'll still find a way to crawl under it?
Lois: You still think there's a bar. That's so cute.

Lois: [to Malcolm] You really got to stop being such a snob. There's pride in doing anything well. I'd rather you were the best toilet scrubber in the world than a slapdash Supreme Court justice. And how about showing me a little bit gratitude? There's nothing embarrassing about working at Lucky Aide.

Phil: Okay, Lois, here's your question if you're ready. "How has motherhood kept you young?"
Lois: ... I'm sorry, but I have a problem with the question. Motherhood definitely does a lot of things, but the one thing it does not do is keep you young. Oh, my God, it ages you horribly. Youth is about having choices, but once you're a mother, you have no choices. You're stuck loving your children. You get gray hair loving them. You lose sleep loving them. You lose out on all those other things that you always thought you'd do. But even with all of that, the amazing thing is... you're okay with it. It's like some wonderful... curse. [Phil chuckles] [applause]
Hal: That was amazing. I don't know where you came up with that crap, but you nailed it.

Lois: All right, you know the plan. You two are taking Jamie. No eggs, no stink bombs, no matches, no catapults, no Mace.
Reese: Fine.
Lois: No explosives.
Reese: Of course not.
Lois: No water balloons, no spray paint, no gasoline, no shaving cream, no toilet paper.
Reese: Wouldn't even think of it.
Lois: No ladder, no compressor, no soup.
Reese: You told her!
Dewey: I did not!
Lois: All right. I know your route. I will catch up with you when I take my break, to see how adorable and safe Jamie is.
Reese: So, um, any idea when that might be?
Lois: You don't need to know when. All you need to know is if you even think about doing anything stupid, I will swoop down out of the sky and land on you like a ton of bricks.
Dewey: So, the usual.