Francis: Stanley, you are incredible. I thought Malcolm was a genius but this is off the charts.
Stanley: The school asked for an honor guard. I figured you'd like a few weeks without drill practice.
Francis: A pageant, though. Beautiful girls with self-esteem issues. It's perfect. Easy. Let's start with the obvious runners up. They're going to be the neediest.

Hal: [taps on vent] Dewey? You in there, buddy?
Dewey: [o.s.] No.
Hal: What's wrong, pal?
Dewey: I did something bad. They told me to ride a horsy and I'm not a baby, but I would have played with the carpet cleaner and I didn't have a quarter anyway.
Hal: Uh-huh. Dewey, honey Daddy's getting a cramp in his leg. What did you do?
Dewey: I took something from Mommy's store.
Hal: Well, that's very serious. What did you take? A candy bar?
Dewey: No. It's not a candy bar.
Hal: Oh? Well, what is it?

Lois: Dewey, what am I going to do with you?
Reese: [facing the wall] This works pretty good, Mom.

Lois: What do mean, "fired"?! You can't fire me for this.
Mr. Pinter: Sorry. Store policy is very clear about stealing.
Lois: But he didn't steal it; he returned it. It's right there. The bottle is perfect. You can just put it right back on the shelf.
Mr. Pinter: I already marked it out of inventory. My hands are tied here.
Lois: What are you talking about? You don't even do inventory. You foist if off on me because you make so many mistakes.
Mr. Pinter: You're not exactly making me regret my decision here, Lois.
Dewey: Mom?
Lois: Oh, honey, it's okay. It's okay. This is just an excuse. You have hated me since the minute you got here because I was first choice for your job and I turned it down.
Mr. Pinter: You know, you think what you want, okay? At least I didn't raise a thief.
[After a loud ripping sound, Lois walks over and hands Craig a wig]
Lois: Velcro. I win the pool.

Hal: [on the phone] Francis, where have you been? I've been looking for you for days.
Francis: I'm sorry, Dad. I've just been buried here.
Hal: Okay, listen, I've got kind of a bad news/good news thing here. [sighs] Your mom lost her job, and we're pretty broke. The good news is, that makes your tuition an issue. Now, I think I can talk her into letting you come home.
Francis: Dad, no, I can't come home! Marlin Academy is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am at a crucial point in my rehabilitation.
Hal: Uh-huh. What's her name?
Francis: That's the thing. There's, like, ten of them!

Lois: Craig, what are you doing here?
Craig: Lois, I just had a meeting with Mr. Pinter - well, more like an hour begging, really - but the point is, you can have your old job back!
Malcolm: Yes!
Lois: That is such good news!
Craig: And all you have to do is apologize. And let him dock your pay 150 bucks. And you have to work the graveyard shift for a couple months.
Lois: Oh.
Reese: Sounds good, Mom.
Lois: No, thanks.
Malcolm: What?!
Reese: You're kidding.
Craig: Why?!
Lois: Because that's like admitting he's right. I'm not going to do that.

Tanya: Oh, Francis, you are just wonderful. I mean, you're so different than the local boys. I mean, I haven't even known you that long and I already feel so connected to you.
Francis: I know. It's almost mystical.
Tanya: Yeah, and I'm so glad the gay thing isn't an issue.
Francis: You're gay?
Tanya: No, no, silly. You are.
Francis: Wait. You think I'm gay?
Tanya: Oh, you don't have to hide anything, honey. I mean, we're a lot more liberal here than you think we are. I mean, it's not like Birmingham.
Francis: Wait a minute. You think I'm gay? Why do you think I'm gay?
Tanya: Oh, come on. You like the theater, you're good with decorating and, well, you're completely obsessed with your mother. Can you undo my hooks?
Francis: Tanya, I'm kind of having a dilemma here.
Dina: Oh, great. Frannie, can you spray me? My suit keeps riding up. [giggles]
Francis: That's why I'm here... girlfriend!

Caroline: Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm, so private, so guarded. But you don't have to be that way with me. I'm on your side. Julie knows that. She's not even in my class.
Malcolm: She talked to you? About me? What'd she say?
Caroline: Aw, nothing that wasn't obvious already. You know, when you open up to people you will always be surprised just how well things turn out.
All: Surprise!
Caroline: Isn't it wonderful? Julie organized the whole thing herself and everyone in school responded.
Julie: Dear Malcolm, this isn't just food. It's an expression of how we all feel about you. Our hearts go out to you in your time of need. [applause]

Mr. Pinter: I have to say, Lois, I'm surprised by this change in your attitude.
Lois: Yeah, well, me, too.
Mr. Pinter: I know we've had our differences but I hope that we can make all this water under the bridge. So, if you'll just sign here...
Lois: Mm, what's this?
Mr. Pinter: Your apology. I think I've captured your voice rather nicely.
Lois: You want it in writing?
Mr. Pinter: Yes. Look, Lois, you can tell these clowns whatever you want - that I got on my knees and begged you to come back, I don't care. I just want you and I to know how things really are. [Lois takes the document, reads it and then puts pen to paper] That's not a signature.
Lois: No, it's more of a suggestion. "The horse you rode in on" is optional.

Lois: Yeah, he just ran off and quit for no reason. Huh, who knows why? See, you do the right thing and everything works out for the best.